How to break open a Parmesan cheese wheel

"This is the only way to cut such a cheese."

     "Oh?" 

A different way to cut such a cheese.

Use a million knives. Possibly eight knives. Maybe four. 

Step 1: Gain 150 Lbs. 

There are a million videos on this subject. 

Some show the wheel gouged out and used as a pot to cook pasta, at least flavor it.

One is titled: Why Parmigiano Reggiano is so expensive. 

But it's not. It seems that way but it's not. It's actually a great cheese bargain. It is the king of all cheeses, there is no comparison, no equivalent, and I'm surprised how many are more costly. I just bought some and I thought, "Man, this is a bargain." Then when I used it I thought, "Omg. This cheese would still be a bargain at double its price." A little bit of this cheese goes a long way. It lasts a long time. 

A whole jar of Cheez Whiz goes into 1 Lb of elbow macaroni. A whole bag of shredded mozzarella goes onto a pizza while contributing no flavor while one small chuck of Parmesan flavors the whole thing strongly. 

This Cheez Whiz is actually pretty good. I don't know what crap they put into it, but I like it.

From Wikipedia:

Whey and whey protein concentrate. Looks like magic to me. Wow. Milk protein concentrate. Man, these scientists are awesome. 

We can probably do better diluting genuine cheddar with milk. 

They use modified food starch to thicken it, while we can use milk to loosen firm cheese that's real. 

They add preservatives and we won't need any because we're making ours fresh. Fresh as aged cheddar that is. 

The thing is, cheese is already a processed food. It's aged, and as the first video explains, carefully handled throughout its aging process, turned and cleaned and wiped, moistened, moved around and so on. Every day. 

I thought they stuck the wheels in a cave and forgot about them for two years. 

So no. They are not expensive. You're buying all that care and activity and knowledge. It's heritage. Culture. Civilization. 

Entire towns are devoted to this. The buildings arranged in rows so the mountain air flows through their lengths in the afternoons. It's tradition built up over centuries. America being so young doesn't fully appreciate this so the things that they're doing sound expensive. Especially when you cannot tell the difference between quickly mass produced cheese from the cheese that results from slow carefully curated process. 

No. It is not expensive. It's actually a bargain. A better bargain than the cheap crap that we buy. 

Epicurious: Cheese Expert. 

I love these things. 

I love experts being put on the spot. I love experts that go, "Goody, give me a test." Because that's how I feel. I like being tested. Because it give me a chance to go, "I got this, Bro. I got this." I went to get a new driver's license the guy springs an eye test on me and I go, "Oh I got this, Motherf'k'r. Watch me." And he's all, "It's on!" And I'm all, "Bring it." And those letters get smaller and smaller and finally I'm just guessing and he goes dully, "You pass." 

Let's watch the woman prove her stuff.