By the time someone has received a second notice about bullying behavior on the bus, there is more going on than a five mile walk to school is going to cure, address or straighten out.
I'm not a fan of public shaming.
From my viewpoint the dad is engaging in "power over" behavior with his daughter and including a social component with a public sting that isn't going to go away or be resolved unless the root issue is addressed. I wonder what's going on around her and inside herself that's leading her to believe it is necessary and ok for her to bully others?
Spanking a kid is power over. Sending a kid to their quiet spot is power over Sending a kid to bed without dinner is power over Embarrassing a kid is power over Any punishment is power over.
There seems to be some power manipulation thing going on with the girl, "Dad, you have to drive me to school."
And the punishment is on the dad too for having to drive so achingly slowly for 5 miles. Presumably both to and from school for three days. He is engaging in the same punishment he is administering.
Other reporting has photos of the girl, but I didn't bother reading them.
Apparently he's received criticism. That might be why he uploaded the video.
The difference between "power over" and "power to" is explained below. At ten, the girl is not a small child. She has already learned and employeed bullying and dominance as a way of manipulating others and has been called on it twice, which to my way of thinking reveals and "interest in it" on her part, undue or otherwise.
The father is not experiencing the same punishment he is administering as he has the power to drive away. That he saw fit to publish a video about this (and yes, crow) makes me wonder about the relational dynamics in the home.
In the social world, power is a concept with two very different meanings--'power to' and 'power over.' . ‘Power to’ refers to the ability of a person to change the circumstances of his or her life by creating and exercising options. 'Power over' refers to the ability to limit the options of others.
It is naive to think that a civil society can run without any power over. Police have limited power over civilians, for instance. When 'power over' passes a threshold, it is reasonable speak of “control” Parents have control over small children. But as the abilities of children increase, good nurture requires that power over them be relinquished steadily and be replaced by influence. Influence is the ability to affect how others perceive and manage their options. Influence does not take options away. Intimate partners always desire to influence each other.
Insecurity tends to make some people try to control situations and outcomes. Surely this imposes some inconvenience or friction on other people, but largely, other people can avoid such situations, assert their self-determination, or detach. Desire for control at this level is maladaptive but not abusive.
Taking it to the next level, and controlling people, however. becomes power over,' This is the definitional element of abuse. This type of control is always malignant, and will quickly grow to be constant. If the survivor resists or tries to disregard the control, the situation will escalate rapidly.
Having one’s ‘power to’ make choices overruled by another person’s ‘power over’ leads to an experience of powerlessness. Powerlessness early in life tends to produce a later undue interest in power, sometimes in ‘power to’ but most commonly in 'power over'.
So who's powering whom? The girls says, "Well, guess you have to drive me to school the next couple of days." The little smart ass thinks she can manipulate her dad into being her personal chauffeur by being a bully.
And then, maybe she inherited that trait.
Ten bucks says Daddy's little princess runs away at an early age. Or finds a replacement Daddy still underage. Portland is filled to the brim with such power-to power-on power-over young refugees.
Any parents want to help answer? I don't think I was ever any kind of bully, but I was mean at times to other students; I think we can all say that? And I did experience bullying.
This last line in the article quoted above is key:Having one’s ‘power to’ make choices overruled by another person’s ‘power over’ leads to an experience of powerlessness. Powerlessness early in life tends to produce a later undue interest in power, sometimes in ‘power to’ but most commonly in 'power over'.
A child needs to learn how to say "Yes" and how to say "No" to develop identity. They start practicing at two, and fine tune the process during adolescence. Along the way they need adult supervision, guidance, boundaries, and encouragement, along with lived examples of how to receive direction and work through conflict.
Does the 10 year old daughter's bullying behavior require acknowledgement, consequence and corrective action? Yes!
It also requires accountability and responsibility on the part of those who love and care for her, in the form of checking in with each other, her, the rest of the family and school about what might be going on that would prompt a pre-adolecent girl to repeatedly engage in bullying. That behavior did not spring up out of nowhere.
In publishing the video and sarcastically referring to his unhappy daughter as "this lovely lady" the father is not as cheerfully benign or neutral as he is portraying himself to be.
10 comments:
All behavior has meaning..
By the time someone has received a second notice about bullying behavior on the bus, there is more going on than a five mile walk to school is going to cure, address or straighten out.
I'm not a fan of public shaming.
From my viewpoint the dad is engaging in "power over" behavior with his daughter and including a social component with a public sting that isn't going to go away or be resolved unless the root issue is addressed. I wonder what's going on around her and inside herself that's leading her to believe it is necessary and ok for her to bully others?
Spanking a kid is power over.
Sending a kid to their quiet spot is power over
Sending a kid to bed without dinner is power over
Embarrassing a kid is power over
Any punishment is power over.
There seems to be some power manipulation thing going on with the girl, "Dad, you have to drive me to school."
And the punishment is on the dad too for having to drive so achingly slowly for 5 miles. Presumably both to and from school for three days. He is engaging in the same punishment he is administering.
Other reporting has photos of the girl, but I didn't bother reading them.
Apparently he's received criticism. That might be why he uploaded the video.
Five miles seems like a very long way.
Seems like an appropriate punishment. And walking five miles is hardly bad for a kid (especially with dad driving behind her as she goes).
Seems appropriate punishment. I would not have videotaped it and crowed about my fine parenting skills, however.
The difference between "power over" and "power to" is explained below. At ten, the girl is not a small child. She has already learned and employeed bullying and dominance as a way of manipulating others and has been called on it twice, which to my way of thinking reveals and "interest in it" on her part, undue or otherwise.
The father is not experiencing the same punishment he is administering as he has the power to drive away. That he saw fit to publish a video about this (and yes, crow) makes me wonder about the relational dynamics in the home.
In the social world, power is a concept with two very different meanings--'power to' and 'power over.' . ‘Power to’ refers to the ability of a person to change the circumstances of his or her life by creating and exercising options. 'Power over' refers to the ability to limit the options of others.
It is naive to think that a civil society can run without any power over. Police have limited power over civilians, for instance. When 'power over' passes a threshold, it is reasonable speak of “control” Parents have control over small children. But as the abilities of children increase, good nurture requires that power over them be relinquished steadily and be replaced by influence. Influence is the ability to affect how others perceive and manage their options. Influence does not take options away. Intimate partners always desire to influence each other.
Insecurity tends to make some people try to control situations and outcomes. Surely this imposes some inconvenience or friction on other people, but largely, other people can avoid such situations, assert their self-determination, or detach. Desire for control at this level is maladaptive but not abusive.
Taking it to the next level, and controlling people, however. becomes power over,' This is the definitional element of abuse. This type of control is always malignant, and will quickly grow to be constant. If the survivor resists or tries to disregard the control, the situation will escalate rapidly.
Having one’s ‘power to’ make choices overruled by another person’s ‘power over’ leads to an experience of powerlessness. Powerlessness early in life tends to produce a later undue interest in power, sometimes in ‘power to’ but most commonly in 'power over'.
.
So who's powering whom? The girls says, "Well, guess you have to drive me to school the next couple of days." The little smart ass thinks she can manipulate her dad into being her personal chauffeur by being a bully.
And then, maybe she inherited that trait.
Ten bucks says Daddy's little princess runs away at an early age. Or finds a replacement Daddy still underage. Portland is filled to the brim with such power-to power-on power-over young refugees.
Wonder where she learned her bullying behavior. Very mysterious.
What do you get when your kid is a brat?
Who do you think is to blame for that?
Good for daddy!
Amartel:
That is a great question!
Any parents want to help answer? I don't think I was ever any kind of bully, but I was mean at times to other students; I think we can all say that? And I did experience bullying.
Where do kids get it?
The cycle of abuse is not a mystery.
This last line in the article quoted above is key:Having one’s ‘power to’ make choices overruled by another person’s ‘power over’ leads to an experience of powerlessness. Powerlessness early in life tends to produce a later undue interest in power, sometimes in ‘power to’ but most commonly in 'power over'.
A child needs to learn how to say "Yes" and how to say "No" to develop identity. They start practicing at two, and fine tune the process during adolescence. Along the way they need adult supervision, guidance, boundaries, and encouragement, along with lived examples of how to receive direction and work through conflict.
Does the 10 year old daughter's bullying behavior require acknowledgement, consequence and corrective action? Yes!
It also requires accountability and responsibility on the part of those who love and care for her, in the form of checking in with each other, her, the rest of the family and school about what might be going on that would prompt a pre-adolecent girl to repeatedly engage in bullying. That behavior did not spring up out of nowhere.
In publishing the video and sarcastically referring to his unhappy daughter as "this lovely lady" the father is not as cheerfully benign or neutral as he is portraying himself to be.
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