How does microwave popcorn work?

First, I read the section on corn in Harold McGee's On Food and Cooking and that right there made me expert on popcorn. *examines fingernails* This whole time I was doing it wrong. McGee wrote, do not use a tight fitting lid because that holds in the moisture and prevents the popped corn from being crunchy. So I've used a splatter guard ever since.

I thought my popcorn was top. I popped it with slight oil then after it popped dumped the popcorn and used the same pot to melt generous butter flavored with spices, doused the popcorn with butter, really laid it on thickly, then sprinkled generous grated parmesan cheese. Heaven.

Big fat sloppy pig heaven.

But I learned recently by a grocery delivery substitution that microwave popcorn is better than mine. The commercial brands are crunchier. Crispier. More pleasant. What gives?

There is good and there is bad to microwave popcorn pouches.

How it works.

The bags contain a built-in susceptor. This is the gray rectangular patch on the "this side down" side of the bag. It is a metalized polymer film that absorbs microwaves and converts them to heat. Ordinarily microwaves heat only water that cannot exceed 212℉. This susceptor patch gets a lot hotter than that.

More deets on the popcorn bag at Wikipedia, here.

This little polymer patch is why my experimental bowl of popcorn made in the microwave did not work as well. I put the amount of seeds that I know fills the bowl, and smashed them with salted butter. Used a plate to cover the bowl. They popped very slowly with several seconds between each pop. It took 3X the amount of time that the commercial types take. And the whole time the previously popped kernels are being struck with microwaves and the butter inside is burning. Finally the time between each pop reached over 10 seconds, the bowl was nearly full. I took it out and it looked horrible. I nearly threw it away as failed experiment. The bowl was extremely hot.

But the popcorn tasted great. Better and crunchier than stovetop made in a pot. And there are only 6 un-popped kernels.

I need to put one of those polymer patches inside the bowl. That'll be the next experiment.

Here's the bad about commercially prepared bags.

As you know, oil will soak through paper bags. So, the commercial bags are treated with lipophobic chemical coating. It is a flurotelomer coating that is linked to many health issues. The FDA investigated into why so many people had sizable amounts of PFOAs, perfluorooctanic acid, in their bodies. A fairly obscure chemical, sure enough, popcorn bags to the front of the line. It is a known carcinogen, a developmental toxicant, an immune system toxicant and liver toxicant. It is an insane chemical to heat up with your food.

GAWL! 

The oil used in the commercially prepared bags is not something you'd put on your popcorn. The oil must be solid at room temperature and that means either very high saturated fats or hydrogenated trans fat.

The susceptor limits the flavorings to the types that can withstand elevated temperatures and that involves engineered ingredients.

So then, the commercial bags have crap oil and carcinogenic toxic coatings.

It's like they don't even care.

photo by the geeks at Quinn.

But you don't have to live like this. 

These Quinn geeks discovered a way to use real butter. Here is their website.

Here are their Quinn Snacks on Amazon. Obviously, each bag of popcorn that avoids these health risks and uses real butter and natural flavors must cost $1,000.000 each. Possibly $2.01 a pouch. I'm seeing a price of $12.06 for three boxes that hold two pouches each. Their Amazon page is a bit confusing. 

That's a lot higher than ACT II popcorn, offered on Amazon at $19.95 for 28 pouches, that's $.71 each. 

Developmental toxicant is a toxicity or functional alteration which interferes with homeostasis, normal growth, differentiation, development of behavior caused by environmental insult. You have to ask yourself if that along with immune and liver toxicant and carcinogens are worth cheaper popcorn. 

I must say, it sure is delicious.

I'm writing this because a new microwave came today and one of these bags of popcorn is the first thing it cooked. Brilliant! The second thing it cooked was my experiment in a bowl. Stupid!

Both of them are better, crunchier than I make stove top. 

Amazon sells silicon bowls specifically for popcorn. They hold the kernels at the bottom. They're rated very highly. I don't know if they have one of those susceptor patches on the bottom. They can be smashed flat and stored in a drawer as a thick disc. 

One last thing. 

I was expecting a young man from Amazon to deliver. But instead it was the regular middle-aged USPS deliverer. 

This man has taken an unusual interest in me. They must have talked about me downstairs. I'm imagining this; he complains to the women about me not checking my mail and my box filling up and that pisses him off. They come to my defense because of the goodwill efforts done previously over years. They tell him my situation and he changes his attitude. End imagining. 

He brings up my mail all the time. Even when it's not necessary. He just wants to make sure that I see my mail. Who cares if it sits down there for a week? If I'm expecting something, then I'll go check and get it. But there he is at my door all the time. 

He delivered the microwave and there was no cart. It's a heavy sumabitch. It's on the floor outside my door, he goes, "Get back, this is heavy ... move your cane." I expect he's going to slide it across. But instead of pushing it, he reaches under and lifts up the edge and tips it. I'm beginning to realize he's going to flip it sideways to get it inside. Before I can say, "DON'T DO THAT! IT'S A MICROWAVE!" Like flipping a square wheel he goes, CLANG CLAG CLANG CLANG in. 

He disappears. Poof. Just like that.

I'm certain now my microwave will not work. I struggle to get it out of the box. Another box. I doubly struggle to get it out of the second box. It's packaged impressively securely. I undo all the things holding it together. There is a glass plate inside. I plug it in. It beeps. I put in a popcorn pouch and press the button with the word "popcorn" the timer sets for 2 minutes 30 seconds. It pops the bag precisely. No damage.