shrimp scampi

I think I'll make this today.

I'll roll out my own egg-fettuccine.

Shrimp scampi is the simplest thing in the world. It's so simple, all the videos are unbearably boring.

* Olive oil and butter
* Vermouth
* Garlic plus scallion, if you want.
* Lemon
* Gigantic pile of herbs. Parsley and chives and whatever you like.

I stopped making shrimp for my friends. They all come from the west and there aren't any oceans around here so nobody has any respect for fish. The first time I heard, "I don't eat seafood" I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. That eliminated too vast a section of available things to eat.

"Why not?"

"I don't like the bones."

As a result they haven't had shrimp properly cooked so don't recognize when it is cooked right. And there is no respect for mah authoritah.

One guy felt a bit ill following a dinner at his house. I brought shrimp. None of the guests appreciated shrimp cooked to the precise point of doneness. The shrimp were not sufficiently tough to bounce across the floor. The shrimp didn't have the chew with which my friends were familiar. So the guy knows, just knows, just positively knows, as you do, exactly the thing that did it. My shrimp. He called five different people to complain. About me. He had them all agree, yes, my shrimp was too undercooked. He went to the doctor who diagnosed giardia, a fresh water parasite that dummkopfs get. Did he say, "I apologize for spreading around how crap your shrimp is to present you with a gang-concusion?" No, he did not.

So then. Noshrimpforyou!

As a matter of fact, I've given up on them completely. They like to do a lot of group dinners while each one of them takes a peculiar perverse pride in rejecting at least one specific thing. No tomato, no onion, no carrot, no seafood, no marshmallow, no dairy, no garlic. They'll even recite all the nos to reaffirm their group difficulty.

I've come to regard it a class thing.

I noticed the chums from more wealthy families are nearly indiscriminate in the things that they'll eat. They're delightful that way. At least try. While the chums from lower and lower-middle class are exceedingly fussy. It's a strange observation but one that's held true.

So now, when I encounter a person who's fussy the first thing I think is, hmm, unfortunate beginning.

What I just said is changing due to the very large number of new people coming here from coastal areas. The westerners are becoming outnumbered. When we moved here there were two places to get sushi. Now there are scores of them. The whole city is lousy with sushi places.

Do you know how to make shrimp that doesn't curl?

I asked the sushi chefs repeatedly and they told me they slide a skewer through them. I tried that and it doesn't work. Then I thought, it's a tendon inside that runs the length of the body that tightens for the shrimp to swim, and tightens when the shrimp is cooked. In life, they tighten and loosen the tendon real fast and flick through the water. So, cut the tendon. A few nicks on the bottom side does it, then smash the shrimp flat.

I asked them how they cook the shrimp and they all said, "boiling water."

They did not mention they just show the dead shrimp the boiling water and it scares them cooked.

That is, the water is no longer boiling when you put the shrimp in. It needn't be that hot. They sit in hot water that's no longer boiling for just a few minutes until they turn pink and if large, then the opaque white goes through to the center,  and then dunked in ice cold water to stop cooking. That's how briefly they're cooked. But they are cooked. And still flexible. And floppy because the tendon is cut and their backs are smashed flat. They can be wrapped around a rice ball.

So, do you want them curled in your scampi, or would you rather have them be floppy and flat?

I wouldn't fry them garlic oil either. I'd poach them mildly in hot broth made from their carapace. Shrimp broth only takes 10 minutes, then all that shrimp flavor is preserved, and not shamefully discarded.

The same amount of time it takes to plump shrimp with brine made with half salt half baking soda.

Japanese cooks have their seafood act down.