Based on four years of data. Posted by Clair Lew on Signal v. Noise.
Wow, those are pretty good. I wouldn't have thought of those.
The list doesn't have:
* Say, have you had any unusual dreams or out-of-body experiences lately?
* They always have mild jalapeños in little tins. Like what is even the point?
* Have you ever buried a pet in your back yard?
* Ever try throwing away a beat up old garbage can? They won't even take it.
* Ever find a dead bird?
* My mum said if throw up again and not spit up in the bucket she's going to make me clean it up myself. And I'm all, how am I going to do either of those two things?
* Ever wreck a car?
* Did you know the history of yeast in beer and the history of bread are together? That tells you our early ancestors were very careless.
* Like Chia pets. You can tell that whole thing was discovered by accident.
* Ever hear of a fish called candiru? It can put you off the idea of swimming in the Amazon permanently.
* Whoever invented contact lenses was insane.
* Ever do something stupid and ended up with the fire department at your house?
* You outpaced me with your superior mobility.
* What are you going to do with that?
* So why do you have a handcuff key there on your keyring with your regular keys?
* Ever been sued?
* Ever see anything so weird it's like this doesn't even compute?
* Did you know they make powdered peanut butter?
* I checked out a book from the library on speed reading but I had to return it before I was finished.
* So I checked out another book on improving my memory but I forgot where I put it and they made me pay for a book I can't even find.
* Did you ever very nearly actually kill someone?
* Some innovations are no good, like those disposable cameras. I shot the whole roll and dropped it into the trash bin and that's the last I saw of it.
* Have you ever been fired from a job?
* What was the worst thing you ever stole?
* Did you ever go to confession and make something up because nothing was really that bad?
* I was always crap with mechanics. I thought if something rattled loose on my car it could then rattle back tight. I thought mechanical things miraculously healed themselves like your body. I had to have it explained to me that doesn't happen. Imagine my distress.
* I thought if I could just swing a rope around over my head hard enough I could take off like a helicopter.
* Do you think if you jumped out of a speeding car then the car would keep going and you would be separate and it'd be like jumping off the porch? No problem.
* If you jumped inside the middle of speeding box car, you'd be separate and the train would move under you and all around you and you'd land at the back of the boxcar.
* If you were in an elevator crashing down you could jump in the last second and save your legs from being crushed by your own weight.
* What was your worst lie that will be the thing that sends you to hell?
9 comments:
Are those real?
Mine are.
I was hoping you'd have a few.
After visiting the b3ta site I see why you write in British rather than American English. "Spluffed the whole lot..." and so on. Which reminds me - yesterday I watched a comedy special done by a Brit - good thing I have closed captions and a British to American dictionary - they really talk funny over there.
I did bury a pet dog in our garden. It was in violation of a city ordinance.
Sixty, I rarely go to that site. When I do I brace myself first for the stupidest shit imaginable about American politics, Trump, guns, etc. I don't like them at all. They're insanely arrogantly presumptuous. I cannot stand English accents. In fact, they're the chief reason I have no desire to ever visit England, or Europe for that matter. My dad's family is British and they all left England to be rid of people like these modern British. But that's me. My older brother likes traveling there. He has a lot more British inflection than I do. I think.
I think it was back in the 1970s that National Lampoon proposed that the world's best ice-breaker was "Hello, I'm very wealthy. Do you like cocaine?"
More of a pick-up line, really.
You're havin' me on, right mate? I guess you did use "elevator" rather than "lift", so maybe you aren't kidding.
Now I am watching a Canadian tv show over here at my hoose. Who wins the contest for more annoying accents, Canucks or Limeys?
Limeys by far.
I watched two shows on netflix filmed in Canada. One is food-related. Brother and sister chefs compete by going into people's vacation cabins and using what they have on hand. The second show is similar, a construction crew picks up on cabin projects that the husband fell sort of finishing.
Their accent is identifiable immediately by the word "out" and all of its word combinations. And like Australians who say "water, air, years" within the first few seconds of speaking, so too do Canadians say "out" almost immediately. Like three seconds.
* I'm going to go out
* pull it out
* it flew out
* twist it out
* lay it out
* fall out
* goes in and out
* fell out
* blew out
* shout out
* crawl out
* say out loud
* stay out
* put out
* blend out
* flame out
* buy out
* drag out
* about
* doubt
* flout
* gout
* lout
* pout
*rout
* stout
and many many more.
I started keeping count until I lost count. Then I switched to counting the time between outs.
And it's charming because it's not retarded like the British speak. British speak baby-talk. I mean it. I heard a British toddler speaking and I thought, aw bless, that's adorable. Then I realized the toddler was not speaking baby talk, it was enunciating clear British English and that ruined the whole thing. And that forced me to realize the whole country is doing it. At some point they all agreed to talk like babies.
And Australian is intolerable. They put strong emphasis on the vowels that replace the neglected consonants. As noting a missing important bit. It's absurd.
And this intolerance grew over time by overexposure. I realize the problem is my own. Not theirs. But it's disqualifying on Netflix that relies heavily on these imported shows. I can't take it anymore. For British and Australian I put them on mute and read subtitles instead. I despise listening to them speak.
I sound American. I think. That's how it sounds from the inside. But I admit that I despise hearing my own voice. Each time I hear it I think, oh jeeze, who would even listen to that?
I, too, cannot abide British English. 'Orrible, it is, whether Cockney or posh (and what's up with that word - makes my skin crawl) or Mid-Atlantic or BBC-speak. Awful sounding. I listen to a local classical music station and they use Brits for on-air talent. I try to run power tools between the music just so I don't hear them.
I worked with an Aussie - he ruined Oz-speak for me - it is possible to hear too much of it in one's life.
South African - now there is an odd one. And don't get me started on those stinkin' Kiwis, 'kay?
As for hearing one's own voice - it must take nerves of steel to get used to that. Despite thinking that my own mellifluous speaking and singing voice was radio-worthy, I can't stand to even listen to my voice mail greeting. I sound like my brother - yep, really, it's that bad, only without the Dundalk accent.
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