Wednesday, May 17, 2017

The Tao of Cliff

Cliff Clavin: [in comparison to a Jewish bris] The original rites of passage started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo. 
Norm Peterson: Yeah? 
Cliff Clavin: When the young jungle tribal lad was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and take out this large sharpened clam shell... 
Sam Malone: Oh, no, no, no don't tell me... 
Cliff Clavin: ...they would fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres... 
Sam Malone: Oh. 
Cliff Clavin: ...then they'd take these two big jagged rocks in there... 
Norm Peterson: Cliffy, Cliff, Cliff... 
Cliff Clavin: ...and bang them together to call in the tribes out of the hills, you know. Then the witch doctor stepped up with this long sharpened bamboo staff... 
Sam Malone: Oh, here it comes. 
Cliff Clavin: ...and shoved it into the ground, hung a flag on it and they danced around it, pretty much, until they dropped, really. 
Sam Malone: Oh, wait... When do they circumcise the kid? 
Cliff Clavin: What do you mean circumcize? There are no Jews in Borneo, you mook. 
Ricpic: Oy what a Schmendrik!
Coach Ernie Pantusso What's that? I don't know how to make that drink. And I know everything!


chickelit said...

Needs tag "phurry blotos to drive you crazy."

Sixty Grit said...

Esther Clavin: [looking at photos in a scrapbook with Cliff] Oh look, there's your favorite hiding place in the closet. You used to be in there for hours.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, it's because you used to always lock the door on me Ma.
Esther Clavin: Well, look at the result, you're a very polite young man.

[Cliff is appearing on Jeopardy]
Alex Trebek: Let's go to Cliff and get his Final Jeopardy answer. "Who are people who have never been in my kitchen?" I'm sorry, that is wrong.
Cliff: Wait a minute, Alex. I can offer conclusive proof that those three people have never been in my kitchen.

Cliff Clavin: [yells to everyone in the bar] All right guys. I guess you heard the story. I guess everyone knows by now, huh? I'm nothing but a loser.
Pete: [pats Cliff on the back sympathetically] Oh, it's OK, Cliff. We understand.
Cliff Clavin: I can't believe I lost on Jeopardy!
Pete: Oh, you were on Jeopardy?

Chip Ahoy said...

Today I saw on a "Bones" t.v. show one character say to the other about a missing third character, "Oh, she won a million dollars on Jeopardy! (and went off to a new life)"

Hah! Nobody wins a million dollars on Jeopardy!.

People answer salvos of erudite questions (reversed) on Jeopardy and get payouts of a few thousand dollars while contestants on the show that follows Jeopardy! are paid hundreds of thousands for answering silly plain simple phrases. GAWL!

Speaking of Wheel of Fortune, every single male contestant says, "I'm married to my beautiful wife Janice and we have two beautiful children Alice and Thor."

Just once. ONCE! I'd like to hear a male contestant introduce himself on Wheel of Fortune, "I'm locked in soul-draining marriage to a woman grown too ugly to even show and together we have two awful dragon children from hell that will likely end up in prison if I don't kill them first."

Then Pat Sajak goes, "Well, let's get started shall we? "

"Okay, Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel."

(But that can never happen in real life because I don't watch. All this comes from seeing it one time in a restaurant. 404 Club on Broadway to be exact. The whole time I was going "f me, I'm temporary prisoner to this show." )