Tuesday, November 1, 2016


I prefer my holidays to be stable. Any jacking around with them I consider the frenetic work of neurotic busybodies with nothing better to do than annoy and drag everyone else into their own personal neurosis. Halloween is not "dress up" day, it is not "character" day, it is not "black and orange" day, it is definitely not sugar free, it is Halloween, you dopes, accept your horror.

I asked my brother:
What did your kids do for halloween? 
Did you pass out good candy at your house, or are you a pisser about all that sugar? 
(He mentioned earlier they are trying to cut back.)
Do they get to eat all the candy they collect?  
Were they little monsters? 
Have any pictures? 
He responded simply with this photograph and no text.


They're in their playroom, containers of toys all around. The eldest is a SWAT cop, the younger is a ninja. They have a modest amount of candy and the younger doesn't even care that his pile blends into his brother's. I love this so much. 

Man, would they be amazed at Halloween on air bases. In some places the houses are close together, a lot of kids running around. It's a marathon house to house. We collected entire grocery bags filled with candy. Imagine that. Five kids, and five grocery bags filled heavily with candy. Momote Village was our greatest haul. Absolutely tremendous. Can you imagine five kids high on sugar for a whole month? 

Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Brush your teeth. Five times a day for a whole month. 

My costume at that age was a flat red flannel devil suit. After Halloween I threw away the mask and the costume became my favorite pajamas. I pretended the arrow point red devil tail was really a monkey tail. I slept in it every night until the tail fell off and the pants disappeared somehow. Just gone. I don't recall how. Looking back, I think my mum tore off the tail so she could throw them away, tired of me pretending to be a monkey. That must have been it or else I'd still have them. That was the best costume ever. I bet this kid keeps his costume and keeps right on being a ninja. 

But Halloween is definitely not this.

Look if you like, but it's awful and not the least bit interesting.

Ugh. Wearisome, actually.

Lena Dunham. Poor thing, cannot think of Halloween without it being political Halloween. There can be no other type of halloween. Politics first, Halloween second. Be frightened, you pathetic little girl, stuck on being malevolently political. Nobody cares for your political joke. No imagination whatsoever. Obsessive fantasized role playing, yes, imagination, no. She squeezes the fun out of everything that she can and replaces fun with continuously drawing attention to her tits and her vag, her body. Goes like this:

Her body, her body, her body, This is what obsession looks like. 

No thank you. And who invited this bint anyway? 

I should be kind and congratulate her on her impressive weight loss. After all, she is showing us her body. Again. With special emphasis on her tits and her vag. Again. There can be nothing else. It's all that's there. 

My favorite costume was a guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer wearing a torn outer shirt with little styrofoam birds with real feathers pinned all over it, shoulders, front, back, and sleeves, badly torn nearly to ribbons and with daubs of red paint and dripping all over. His hair disheveled. His eyeglasses broken. Just sitting there quietly drinking his beer. His homemade costume inspired by Alfred Hitchcock's movie, "The Birds."  You had to realize that by looking. Now that was creative. 


Trooper York said...


Hope I didn't bruise your toes.

edutcher said...

The Blonde and I went as the Upper GI and the Lower GI - she wore a camo shirt and I wore camo pants.

The picture with the kids was cute; Ms Dunham needs a life.


ricpic said...

I'm sure I stuffed my face with candy as a kid but I have no memory of it. Toys? I had blocks and played with them for hours, or what felt like hours. Oh, and Lionel trains, how could I forget them? We had a ping pong table in the basement that I'd drag my Dad down to for "One game, Dad, just one game" when he could carve a half hour out of his endless workday. We'd trick or treat. My Mother probably threw a bag with eye holes over me, that was about it as far as costumes went. I was so deprived!

Steg said...

I usually play diminished arpeggios on the piano as someone opens the door. I was the only one home Monday, so did the candy instead.

I came up with a good method though- sit upstairs in my room, and when I heard the door knock I would trample down the stairs heavy and oafish, throw myself against the front wall on the corner landing, down the last five steps, and violently shake the door as I opened it.

This scared the CRAP out of a number of small children and even some bigger ones. I told them that's the point!

My favorite was this one little black girl dressed as a princess- she was maybe two feet tall, so tiny and cute! Her parents let her go up to the house by herself- they were watching from the sidewalk.

WELL When I opened the door she exclaims in her adorable little voice, 'You SCARE me!'.

She was still muttering about it as she walked back down the steps.

And I was just a normal guy opening the door, no costumes or masks or nothin'.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

I love Halloween and making costumes.

One year we all dressed up in oversized long johns (adult onsies) died black with big bright almost neon yellow painted horizontal stripes around the middle. We filled the middle of the suits with pillow batting that I had hanging around. M made black conical things about 2 feet long attached to our butts. Wore those head bobble dealies with two balls on springs like THESE and carried BB Guns. We were .......KILLER BEES! Very annoying ones too...making buzzing noises at people and trying to sting them with our conical stingers on our asses as we got more and more tuned up. Actually, a bad costume for the girls as going to the bathroom was nearly impossible.

Another year I was Robin Hood. Made a green tunic with jagged edge. Green lights. Sandals Felt hat with a couple of Pheasant tail feathers. I made a mask out of black felt and covered it with the beautiful feathers from the Golden Pheasants we had recently killed. It was very pretty and I kept it for some time in a shadow box on the wall. I carried my compound bow and a quiver decorated with....more feathers. Filled with practice arrows, blunts. At least I maintained my decorum and didn't shoot the arrows. Lots of feathers that year from hunting :-) The birds tasted good too. For Christmas I made ornaments for the tree from the feathers glued onto styrofoam eggs in a spiral pattern from the bottom to the top. They looked like feathered pine cones. I still have a couple of them.

Yeah. Halloween was fun.

Dust Bunny Queen said...

Green TIGHTS. not lights. No batteries used.