Wow what a wonderful day. Today Donald announced his pick for Vice President and it is the boring but dependable Mike Pence the Governor of Indiana. He is what you think of when you are talking about a Republican. White Haired old white guy who is a holy roller with a stable marriage and picture perfect kids. You know everything that Donald is not. Think of it as an olive branch to all the Rhinos and phony conservatives. We could have gone in an entirely different direction but Donald decide to throw them a bone. And let me tell you something….when Donald throws you a bone you really enjoy it. It will be the best sex you ever had. Just ask that whore Marla.
Anyhoo the other guys were really pissed that they got passed over. Newt went crazy. Newt is a really smart guy who has a lot of great ideas. But he is just too much of an ass kisser. Now despite what you might think Donald doesn’t really like ass kissers. He doesn’t trust it. He likes when I kiss his ass. Well more when I lick it. Especially his balloon knot. But not when some job seeker puckers up and starts smooching his touchas. So when Newt started going on FOX and talking up Donald he looked at him sort of askance. I mean nobody can twist and change to put a positive spin on what Donald does the way Newt did. Well except for our friend Eddy but he is getting paid for that. Still he was out there every day leading the charge for us. Sometimes all on his own. When that bloody whore Megyn Kelly was bashing Donnie Newt was right there to set her straight. So that was all in his favor.
But you see he was just too much like Donnie to be effective. You need a straight man. You need an Abbot not two Costellos. So Newt just didn’t cut it.
Chris Christie was another story. He is a very good minion. He reminds me of those guys in the leopard striped shirts and little hats that used to stand behind the Catwoman in the old Batman Series that I used to watch as a child back home. Once he realized he wasn’t going to win the nomination he went into full minion mode. Donnie enjoyed that. He loved to make fun of how fat he is and to send him to Dunkin Donuts to get Munckins for the staff. In fact for a while Donnie was thinking of having him hold a shine box while he stood behind him at his press conferences but Ivanka talked him out of it. It would have been hilarious but not good optics. So Donnie only makes the load shine his shoes in private. Much more satisfying that way. Now don’t get me wrong. Fatty Carbuncle will be very useful. We are going to make him Attorney General and set him loose on our enemies. Donnie is going to tell him to imagine that they are a pizza and he should go into attack mode. It is going to be great. Wait and see.
There were a couple of other odds and ends who never were considered. I mean “Little Marco?” He couldn’t even win his own state. Plus even though Donnie likes the gays I don’t think he wants one under him if you know what I mean. Ted Cruz? I don’t think so. I mean everyone hates him and I don’t think we want to explain how his wife keeps showing up at press conferences with busies and black eyes. You can only fall down the stairs so many times before even the idiot press catches on. This general guy? I mean he really is a Democrat who worked for Obama. Once he said he wanted to give all the Muslims free abortions that was the end of that. Sarah Palin called up and put herself forward for the slot but she kind of knew that wasn’t gonna happen. Donnie told her we will find something for her to do if she wants to get out of that icebox in Alaska. Maybe with our new cable channel. Oh did I tell you that we are going to start a new News Channel. Now that Roger got caught with his dick in his zipper he will be looking for a new gig. Since he knows how to set up an operation he will be perfect. We have a perfect source for news babes. We can just use the rejected Miss Universe babes. Plus the celebrities who lost on the Celebrity Apprentice. I think Gary Busey and Lou Ferrigno would be great in a retarded Cross Fire sort of thingy. Sunday Morning with Trace Atkins and Amarosa. The Jerry Rivers Report. The possibilities are endless.
Now that the ticket is set we can start the party. It will be a lot of fun here in Cleveland. I hope the shvartzas don’t get too frisky protesting. I mean that is only going to help us in the long run. But still who wants to deal with that nonsense. In the meantime I have to get my outfits ready. I want to look sexy but classy. I am proud of being the only first lady that a normal guy would want to bone. I love my public. Especially my sweaty white blue collar guys. The plumbers. The air conditioner repair men. The miners who will go deep into the shaft. I love those guys.
I am going to be a great First Lady.