"Not that this is easy to do; I have always found it hard and confusing to be both a feminist and happily married. Why? Because in a good marriage, where both parties are equally happy, no one is keeping score. Feminists emphasize equality of roles, but in a real life marriage, this isn't always realistic. Sometimes, you're going to be doing more of the housework. Sometimes, you're going to have to back down and be less equal. And sometimes, he will have to do the same." (read more)
Via Intapundit
In the comments...
theophany
"I have always found it hard and confusing to be both a feminist and happily married. Why?" Because latter waves of feminism demonize men as incipient rapists and demonize marriage as institutionalized oppression, and to the extent that you feel happy in your marriage you must, in your unquestioning feminist psyche, feel abused. Welcome to the world of cognitive dissonance.
23 comments:
... men and women should be banging as many people as they feel like banging ...
What a crude, stupid woman.
When I respond that way to this kind of garbage, the response is always that I'm a prude. What horseshit. I'm just in favor of people being discrete and having some sense of aesthetics.
Feminism is irrelevant to my life now that I am retired. I pushed feminism out of my life 40 years ago by simply choosing not to associate with feminist women on an intimate basis. Now that I'm out of the workplace and retired, I seldom encounter feminist women.
My late wife despised feminism. My girlfriend of the past 9 years has never uttered the word "feminism." Just isn't interested.
Makes you wonder what in hell we've come to that devoting yourself to your marital partner provokes some sort of controversy.
Only lesbians can be feminists and happily married.
However, since radical feminism is a marxist offshoot, which advocates smashing marriage, they can't be married.
But socialism demands believing in multiple impossible and contradictory things, so, whatever.
"... men and women should be banging as many people as they feel like banging ..."
What she may have spout out as a joke, others might take as instructive...
I guess the point a feminist would make about a woman saying something like "... men and women should be banging as many people as they feel like banging ..." is that if a man says something like that people don't mind it as much?
But if a woman says it... well that's different.
This is scary... I think I'm getting the hang of it ;)
My Filipina girlfriend doesn't swear or curse, never talks crude shit and focuses her life on serving her family and me.
Amazingly, this makes her very happy.
She probably should be miserable and angry in order to advance the cause.
It's not like a woman could "bang" a guy... isn't that the guys role?... but at the same time that would mean the guy is playing the lead... that would be gender norming... so that's out.
Ok, I'm back to being unclear again ;)
"I think it's ridiculous to go husband hunting in college (a time when I think men and women should be banging as many people as they feel like banging"
Having children is much easier in your twenties, both physiologically and mentally.
But go ahead and wait until you're 35.
I once read an interesting idea in an article or book. The woman was saying that she and her husband had agreed to never to joke about each other in front of other people. Like at parties where a woman will jokingly say, 'I always have to remind him to take out the trash,' and the husband will joke back something about her. They thought that was a form of undermining each other. I think they are right.
@Deb:
It worked for us. Married 30 years ago today.
I sometimes slip up in that, bitching/joking about whatever, but it's a good rule. Teasing each other is okay, but not to others.
I did like in the article the advice to be unselfish and think about that person.
I would add that when I catch myself grousing about this or that, I am reminded how much better it is to think of something to be grateful for about her, each day.
Deborah - That is absolutely correct. We have never done that (we call it spouse bashing) routine at parties or other gatherings. It carries over everywhere else.
Happy marriage, 28 years and counting.
Gratitude is a wonderful healer.
Better than aloe.
I think they are right.
"A friend doesn't put you down. A friend backs you up."
-- Dick Butkus
Feminism is one move in three, so it's not surprising that it can be extended.
1. Woman sends guy on quest.
2. Guys like being sent on quests but often, being average on the average, they screw up.
3. Woman shows guy she's satisfied with him.
This repeats forever.
If (3) is omitted, it's nagging.
If it's directed at men in general, neither (2) nor (3) applies and it's feminism. Something's wrong and men have to fix it.
A feminist who gets a particular man can add (2) and (3) and works out okay.
Feminism doesn't go for equality for women but for sending men on quests. It's gender specific.
@rdhardin
Quite insightful.
I've been thinking that "Oedipus Rex" tells the story, too.
The son thinks he's setting out on an idealistic quest, only to discover that what he really did was kill his father and marry his mother.
(1) They thought that was a form of undermining each other.
I've recently been playing around with the idea that giving unsolicited advice is often a form of undermining, done with best intentions, therefore with the permission of your conscience.
(Pogo posts a quote about that from time to time.)
I say "playing around" because I'm trying to figure it all out. I tend to give unsolicited advice and I do my level best to keep my mouth shut but I slip up every now and then
(2) Speaking of slipping up, my wife would always get pissed off at me whenever I suggested she brace food against the cutting board with her fingers curled under, the way Jacques Pepein teaches. The knuckles are always against the side of the blade.
Last week she sliced a finger two days in a row.
I said absolutely nothing and I'm kind of proud of that, truth be told.
Marriage needs to be teamwork. With more women playing team sports they have a better grasp on that concept. I played baseball and football and coached baseball for 30 years. I had to teach my loving bride that concept when we married. But I taught it w/ patience and modeling teamwork behavior. She didn't have that in her background. It took several years. We have been married for 37 years now.
There is good natured ball busting and there is spouse bashing. When you see someone @ a party have a few drinks and then start spouse bashing, that's a bad marriage.
Nick, you chose well.
I want to talk to Ms. S., however, about what the heck she was thinkin'! ;^)
Good comments all above.
Radical feminist are crazy and unhappy people. Hating one half of the human race is nuts. Thinking that men and women should be absolutely equal is nuts too. NO ONE is equal. Men and woman ARE different and there are evolutionary and biological reasons for this. Get over it.
My husband and I also never do the spouse bashing routine in public, even in a kidding way because we both think it is disrespectful and undermines the relationship. We joke around with each other at home and in private.
The title to the original article really makes me irritated. It is not 'bowing down' to your husband (or wife) to be considerate, kind, helpful, caring and doing your share or more of certain types of jobs.
And marriage is a team activity. In a team people do the tasks that they are best suited for or that which makes the team run smoothly. In the business that we are partners in, the division is pretty easily decided. I'm better at the bookwork, details, phone calling, taxes, straightening out the messes, handling the bills etc. Dumbplumber works his butt off and has the hands on knowledge of his business and is a good salesman with his clients.
The same is true for our home life and rest of our marriage. I have my tasks many of which I LIKE to do like cooking and other which I hate, like cleaning the bathrooms. But, I do it because it is my job. My husband doesn't LIKE to do yardwork after he has been pulling wrenches and working every day, but he does those things that I physically can't.
We each do what we can to make the other person happy. When he is happy I am happy and vice versa. Simple.
The Blonde and I work pretty much on this principle.
We do have our moments (because we're both Leos, she says), but some respect and gratitude go a long way.
Pogo: Night of the Living Dead Poets Society said...
Only lesbians can be feminists and happily married.
No, feminists are never happy.
Sixty, I married up. But, my bride got a MUCH better deal than I regarding mothers-in-law.
I sign on to what the others have said. Never undermind your spouse in public. It is a pathway to destruction.
So I guess it's a no-no to put a sticky note on her ass that says "wide load" just before we walk into the party.
Now you tell me.
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