Columnist response...
There's no "right" or "wrong" here... (read more)
Monday, July 21, 2014
Advise Column: "I want a lesbian love affair, but can't imagine leaving my male partner"
"I lost my virginity to the same man I have been with since I was 19. I'm now 26 and still very attracted to him, and can't imagine being with anyone else. But I've started visiting lesbian dating sites and mostly fantasise about women, though I feel guilty. Would it be wrong to ask my partner if I could experiment with women? I don't want to hurt people, but I crave a discreet but honest love affair with a woman."
Columnist response...
Columnist response...
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26 comments:
" your complex, adult sexual journey."
The psychotherapist is describing nomadic wandering, not a journey, which implies a destination.
She's endorsing sex as cafeteria, sampling things as you go, no endpoint in mind, nothing is bad for you. Eat anything you want, as much as you want.
The woman in question is thinking with her gonads. Men have lots of practice with that. Women hate that behavior, but apparently not when they do it.
I'd call this a case of arrested development in the woman. All humans have some tendency for homosexuality, to some degree, however slight or more so. By age 26 she has a life she'd not want to disrupt, but still really wants to violate a trust she expects of her husband herself for her own indulgence. Childish selfishness in other words.
I've always wanted to off and fuck a movie star, rather than the women I've loved and who love me. No wait, that is a lie...the women I have loved are the stars to me.
This 26 year old twit is a simple minded jerk. So much so I suspect the "story" is a set up like most of the advice stories of this type are in reality.
It doesn't matter what kind of an affair she wants....lesbian or straight.
She just wants to be unfaithful to her partner of 7 years. She expects him to just stand by and be a doormat while she has sex with other people. I wonder how she would feel if he approached her with the idea that he should be able to have sex with others?
Either way, lady....your relationship with your SO is pretty much over. You killed it.
She wants an "honest love affair with a woman" - I think I see your problem right there, sweetie.
Suggestion: Twit should get some A-Bomb weed or Banano weed and share with her old man....then they can both go fucking nuts on sexuality and maybe even diddle some errant chicken or goat or something.
Shit, you guys are awfully fucking tough.
I'm beginning to feel like a liberal.
In this case, my response would be:
"Sweetie, you can sit on one end and your girlfriend can sit on my face."
This is what confession is for. (Don't tell Fr. Fox I said it!)
In what universe is it OK to cheat on a committed relationship with someone else?
Shouting you are full of shit. You never would have done that to Myna. Be honest pal.
Trooper....the universe of perpetual adolescence and no consequences.
The guy in this relationship should beat a quick path to the exit. This chick fits the "not to be fucked with a rented pecker" category for sure....her temptations could lead to some lethal infections. Just saying...
Hey, ST...what Trooper said @ 11:54 AM. You have been far too clear about your love for her, a feature of yours, not a bug.
There's a big difference between appreciating the opposite sex and cheating on the love of your life.
Yes, it's wrong.
Just like if you started drinking a box of wine twice a day. "Is it wrong I pass out drunk every night?"
Purposefully indulging in temptations causes a bad road. There's no journey here other than the road to hell. Not in an eternal sense, as in messing up your life in the pursuit of some perceived desire that is lying.
It's not complex at all. It's very straightforward. A commitment is a commitment, and even if the serpent tells you the fruit is tasty, don't trust it. You'll regret what you let go.
"Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders"
haha
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is the Full (self) Employment Act.
Seriously ST? You would have no issue being told you're not enough for your wife. She's thinking a woman might do it better for her?
I get thinking you'll get to participate, but that's an assumption on your part not backed by the rationale of the desire to have the affair.
It's good to be the King.
That's the advice columnette in her acting days. She's married to actor Billy Connolly.
I'm discovering that there are just some people who really consider the fact that they want something to be sufficient justification for getting it. If it hurts someone, even someone close, well that's just part of life, and they should deal with it... unless of course they are on the receiving end. Then, all hell breaks loose.
Therapy culture.
You're not okay, I'm not okay.
Let's all be not okay together!!
For the enrichment of therapists.
I want to drink two boxes of wine in a day and have a lesbian affair. That's a nice summer day in my book, but of course there would be consequences, and that seems incredibly unfair. Who is responsible for this oppressive situation?
Nobody self soothes anymore.
Not when you can pay someone to do it for you.
The lie: She says she "can't imagine being with anybody else" yet in the next sentence says she fantasizes about women.
One or the other is true. Not both.
There's really no right or wrong here.
That's the problem, isn't it? If there are no answers that differentiate wrong from right, why even ask questions?
There is wrong and there is right. The woman who wrote the question seeking advice instinctively knows this, else she wouldn't be looking for an answer.
Had she written to Dear Haz, she would have been gently asked why she isn't married to the man to whom she gave her virginity some seven years ago. She should place a higher value on herself than to give herself so easily and readily to someone who won't put a ring on her finger.
And Dear Haz would have asked whether she is interested in women because she is being pressured by her man or by friends to try it because it is a hip thing to do these days. Of if she is using that as a way to get out of a relationship she does not otherwise know how to get out of.
Whatever the answer, the best action now is to move into your own apartment, alone. If your man and you love each other enough to marry, tell him you'll move back in with him on the day you marry. Of if you are going to be a lesbian, take time to find out what your identity actually is, away from pressures placed on you by others.
...even if the serpent tells you the fruit is tasty, don't trust it.
Talking about figments. The original "forbidden fruit" may not have been an apple. It could have been a pun about a bad apple in Latin: malus malo? Another contender for the actual forbidden fruit is the fig, a long-standing symbol of female sexuality (Cf. the Italian slang word for vagina, fica usually considered vulgar).
This is looking for sanction to cheat. Why bother even writing a letter? If this was Penthouse however...
Last night I was out with a friend from a nearby parish, and two seminarians; we were having wings and beer.
And we were talking about...I dunno, all kinds of stuff; at any rate, I wanted to make the point about how many people live in a bubble that protects them from reality, until quite suddenly and painfully the bubble is gone and they run face-forward into the brick wall of reality.
And I recalled the story of Paris Hilton; remember her? She lived in that bubble. Someone always intervened, protected her, let her off. And I remember several years ago, she was in court, and asking to be let off the hook, again -- and the judge just let her have it.
No honey. You're going to jail.
And I don't mean to take pleasure in this, but -- the look on her face: priceless. She was bewildered. She cried, stared, yelled; it didn't matter. This was the moment the bubble disappeared. Paris? Meet reality.
I was sorry for her, but also not. That's what she needed. I don't know what became of her, but I hope she's a better person.
This is what I think of in this instant case.
Chicklelet:
What fruit it was is immaterial anyway.
And the reason for the apple catching our imagination? You hit on one reason: the Latin noun in the nominative case for apple -- malum -- is a sound- and lookalike for the adjective, in the accusative form, for bad: malum ... as in, "the tree of good and bad" (bonum et malum).
But there's another reason I think the apple got into our heads with this story.
In the Age of Faith (i.e., "Middle Ages"), the Faith was taught in large measure orally, as books (without printing presses) were very dear, so why learn to read? What would you read? Thus the use of art in churches, and the use of skits and plays, on feast days.
Little known fact: Adam and Eve are treated as saints in the Roman calendar; and their feast day is...December 24. And in Medieval Germany, they would have plays on Dec. 24 to tell the story of Adam and Eve.
So if you have to put on a play about that story, what props do you need? A tree, right? And fruit, right?
What trees can you get, in late December, in Germany, that are green?
Fir trees.
What fruit can you put your hands on at that time of year?
Apples are your best bet.
By the way, if you're thinking, is this connected to the Christmas Tree?
Congratulations, you win the prize!
This is how the Christmas Tree began.
Conversely, dedication to each other is thing of beauty to behold. James sent pictures of his boy today. The first time I saw him as a baby he cried full on. I expected him to grow into a miserable child. Turns out he's a little angel. The day care people say he's their favorite. (Maybe they tell that to everyone)
I had asked James if his boy's speaking is having affecting his wife's English. Is his natural English smoothing out hers? Does she learn from him, or from the two?
He answered, "Yes."
James said his wife was having a difficult time with the second child one day and sent off for time out. Daniel went up to Nathan, sat with him, and held his hand. "It's okay Nathan, I'll stay here with you. Everything will be alright."
His wife said, "Him? What about me?''
Daniel went up and took him mum's hand and said, "That's okay, Mommy, everything will be alright for you too."
James said, he heard his son on the front porch. He cracked the door and his heart stopped short. Time stopped. James said, "I stood for a moment in eternity. It felt like time was arrested." Daniel was singing to himself, Jesus loves me, yes I know.
If you like:
Daniel 1
Daniel 2
The woman in the piece does not know the things of value.
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