Earbuds. Insidious devices that let one shut out all other sound and hear only what comes down those tiny, tiny wires and into one's outer ears. Earbuds block other voices, other sounds. The wearer can be magically transported into a private reality of music; a reality not shared with other people nearby. Or farby, for that matter.
Case in point: moi yesterday at the health club. I'm happily logging miles on the treadmill, getting ready for warm weather outdoor activities that take some endurance. Making my heart and lungs stronger. Making the blood just whoosh through arteries and veins and capillaries and organs and such. The treadmill area is on a balcony overlooking the weights and machines and mats and bosu balls and foam rollers and such in a big area below.
It's 10:30 AM, the time when the club is populated with fitness moms. Moms who can afford not to work, who drop their kids at the daycare room then work out work out work out until noon, when they all disappear. Moms with muscular arms and shoulders and abs and legs. Moms with not-a-hint of excess fatty tissues on their frames. Some are near me, on the treadmills or the ellipticals or stair climbers or the bicycles that go nowhere fast. it's a pleasant environment for exercising my peripheral vision, while not looking or staring. Okay, well, glancing maybe, but only once. Or twice.
Run run run pant pant pant. Then this comes down my earbuds.
Stevie Nicks singing a favorite from long ago. Singing in a tempo that perfectly matched my running tempo and mood. Perfectly. I start humming, thinking to myself stan ding in a line... doing a quick foot shuffle in time to Mick Fleetwood's drumming.
Then singing stand back stand back.....stan ding in a line...na na na nah nah nah..
I AM Stevie Nicks, shaking my head, pretending I have hair. But I need a little sympathy!
So I walked, walked out of line...one man did not fall when he asked me.... Waving my arms, fist clenched like I'd just won a gold medal. Thumping my feet onto the treadmill in perfect time to music only I could hear. If I had had silk scarves with me, I swear, I would have twirled.
'Sall right! 'Sall right! Then the music stopped. I hopped my feet to the side of the treadmill so I could fish the iPod out of my shirt pocket and hit replay. Great song, man. Then I noticed that people - fitness moms - were looking at me. Looking askance, then averting their eyes. Ah, shit. It dawned on my that I had become that guy at the club who sings on the treadmill.
They all looked away. I pretended nothing had happened, toweled off, turned off the treadmill, took a slug of Gatorade out of my bottle, and casually walked away. No one seemed to have noticed. But the last woman on the last treadmill in line whispered "Dude!" as I walked past.
Maybe I'll skip the earbuds at the club this morning.
28 comments:
At least you weren't singing "Annie" the way you do when you are on the toilet.
If I had had silk scarves with me, I swear, I would have twirled.
As Jerry Seinfeld would say - There's money in it for you, if you do.
Sure you weren't at the YMCA?
That's so damned funny.
You know that quote: "Dance as though no one is watching you"?
It's wrong.
Just leave town. Don't say anything to anyone - just disappear. It's the only choice you have at this point.
Any time you can't hear at all is dangerous. I love the people driving with those things.
April Apple said...
If I had had silk scarves with me, I swear, I would have twirled.
Or tied somebody to the headboard.
A bit like getting seen while you are dancing to a good tune while driving in your car.
A bit like getting seen while you are dancing to a good tune while driving in your car.
The stool'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be poop!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Strain,
And Say,
Oh!
The stool'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're poop is always
A day
A way!
(Melody by Charles Strouse, Lyrics by Titus)
I can tell by the spelling that Titus wrote that.
Trooper is up in the morning!!
You know, Haz, that's possibly on security tape.
"You know, Haz, that's possibly on security tape."
Oh please make it so.
Yea, somebody there had to record that on their phone. Please come forward and entertain us and take Haz viral!
And what the hell are you doing working out anyway? That's for girls and metrosexuals.
Incidentally, I have lost 20 pounds since Thanksgiving, and 10 in the last month with zero working out, ...at least not with the lights on.
My secret? Eat less. Who knew? I still eat all my usual junk: pizza, cake, etc, but very small portions, and I am substituting protein for half the carbs I used to eat, but mostly I'm just just eating less.
I would like to build a little more more muscle, but I just can't do stationary working out for it's own sake. Of course, if I could imagine myself to be Stevie Nicks, then I could probably get through anything. I think I would gravitate more to imagining myself to be Pink.
I'm just happy that I wasn't listening to show tunes and "I Enjoy Being A Girl" wasn't playing.
You know, Haz, that's possibly on security tape.
I'm ruined.
What is this, a teaser? Can't we hear more about the perfect moms? Or see more. Even better.
Bagoh - It still takes great self-control to eat smaller portions of that irresistible junk. What may seem easy or at least doable to you is beyond the willpower of most. Eat less. If most could do it alone...no more diet industry.
Ha ha ha Haz! I hope you don't have a really awful voice!
At least it was a decent song and not some guilty pleasure of an abomination.
There's a guy in his 60's who jogs on the beach wearing only a thong. Just worry about becoming that guy. As Bob Seeger sang, "So you're a little bit older.."
My other secret to easy weight loss is the T25 workout video. I didn't buy it or even have it, I just lay in bed each morning and watch the infomercial. Exhausting, but the results don't lie.
Hahaha! I am so glad someone else confessed to this.
Poll question should be "Which song did you get caught singing aloud to at the gym?" :)
My answer: "Already Gone"
("WOOHOOHOO!")
I wish I could help Darcy but I never go to the gym.
You don't get this body by working out.
What kind of whispered "Dude" was it? Secretly impressed? Horrified? Or a combo of both, which would be awe!
It may have been a question: "Dude?"
It was a remarkable combination of admiration, revulsion, envy, delight and pity.
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