OT - I have a friend who's been in and out of jails since his teen years. Petty stuff but criminal. He's in his mid-forties. And of course he's always more or less up against it. And taps me for $20 here, $50 there, $150 the other. None of which I ever expect to get back. Why do I put up with it? Well, I put up with it less and less but have never been able to say no more. Except that I see him less and less. That's my only defense. He just got out of jail, called me from Walmart to pick him up and drive him home and when we got to his place it had been broken into, trashed, a terrible mess. I gave him a hundred and thought that was it. But he powers his cabin from his car and the converter (I think that's what it's called) had been stolen so I had to buy him that too before today's adventure was over. I told him that's it and don't call the next time he destroys himself. It's over. But my weakness, that's what I don't understand. Why I took so much punishment for so many - 10 - years. Anyone been through something similar and been unable to stop being the patsy?
My youngest sister and her husbande were busted big time for drug dealing while they were in college, ricpic.
They were supplying a band I was playing in at the time, and the various hangers on. It was a band that went on to considerable fame and fortune.
They were dealing everything... pot, coke, quaaludes, LSD, meth... you name it.
I put up with similar neediness from them for a few years after the bust, and saw that their mess was never ending. They always found a way to be in trouble with the law. Their kids always found a way to go afoul of the law, too.
I got the hell out of Illinois. Moved to San Francisco. Years later, it became clear to me that one of the major reasons I got the hell out was so that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life bailing them out.
I used to have a girlfriend who always needed money - one thing after another - car repairs, had to pay someone to take the wheels off her house, baby needs a new pair of shoes, you know, the usual.
I knew the money was a gift, even as I was giving it, but I did mention she was my girlfriend, right? And all that implies? Holy, shit, I was a John. Aw crap - now I feel dirty!
Chronic bad decision making always has a tendency to rope in other people as innocent by standers to the bad decision maker. Almost like an unindicted co-conspirator of sorts. It's not their fault, but there is a level of empathy/compassion that one feels for someone elses misfortune in the way ricpic and ShoutingThomas have. Like a benign whirlwind that seems harmless at first until it's prolonged malevolence kicks in.
Johnny Cash wasn't nearly the outlaw that Merle was.
ricpic: I still make the occasional trip to jail or halfway house on behalf of a cousin's recalcitrant girl friend. I'm glad to help him out but there's also times when I refuse. He understands and is appreciative. She isn't that big but she's a drunk, a brawler and capable of kicking ass. I'm not about to let her become my problem.
RIP Merle, I don't know anything at all about your songs. I'm quite thick sometimes. To repent I must now write you a song.
♫ Well there goes another country singer
Strum strummy strum strum.
♫ Walking that long lonesome highway.
Strum strummy strum
Wah ah kin toward the light ♬
Strummy strum strummy strummy strum
♫ There goes anuh-thur singer.
Strummy strum
Faded into the night.
♫ Plucky plucky plucky plucky plucky strum.
I don't know how to handle these trying situations. I have no advice to offer. I think we've all experienced something similar if not so severe as this.
I have a nephew that I know little about. His story is strange and depressing to hear. None of brothers and sisters like him, he's a trial for his own mum, my sister, who's been ever the trial for me. He's not the male version of her, his situation is completely different. He was raised by my sister's first husband how then died when the boy was still young. He is a sympathetic character. A real character.
He called and asked me if I could pick him up from the bus station from Las Vegas.
Sound easy enough, no?
That is his way of ingratiating dependency. He latches on then allows himself to become your problem. This is what my sibs complain about.
I said, "Sure. However I'm not prepared to adopt you for however long you decide."
"What do you mean?"
My nephew, he looks up to me, he's asking for help in his way. I must be a good model. I must help. In my way.
"You asked me to pick you up while not asking but needing me to drive you around once you're here. The things you want to do require that. You're not prepared with your own transportation for job hunting here (his stated intention) you'll need me to do it for you, or plan it for you, or get the information for you, or provide the means for you to get the information for you. You'll need to be put up and you expect me to just offer, and you expect me to provide all your meals while you're here."
"I do not."
"It's your m.o."
"It is not."
"Fine. When you're prepared to do all those things on your own then you are prepared to travel and not until then. You cannot latch onto anyone and expect them to carry you or have you as adjunct to their lives for the time."
"I don't do that."
"Yes. You do."
I do not recommend this. He has not contacted me again. I think I hurt his feelings. But none of my sibs would say this to him and it's what they're all thinking. Not just my sibs, his other cousins all react negatively to him but they never put their finger on it like I did. They just all roll their eyes.
Don't know where it's lore or not, but ever since I read that people often tend to pass/die near their birthday, it's something I note:
A week ago dad told us he was gonna pass on his birthday, and he wasn't wrong. -Ben Haggard
My dad died two weeks after his 80th, and his father a week after his 90th birthday.
ChipA, I'm thinking your nephew received a gift, one that may sit with him like a seed to bloom later or be eaten by birds, depending on how the wind blows. Either way a rare and to my ears healthy combination of truth and grace was expressed. I'm guessing he heard what you said but won't be able to move forward in health himself until the early loss of his father is processed. Whatever the situation, someone was straight with him and that counts as hard but good.
15 comments:
For the Trump fans.
Merle's answer to the Hate Whitey shit!
Thanks, Merle!
Mama Tried.
Nothing was fightin' words to the Lefties and the hippies like "Okie From Muskogee".
In some of those pictures there's a marked resemblance to Bukowski.
OT - I have a friend who's been in and out of jails since his teen years. Petty stuff but criminal. He's in his mid-forties. And of course he's always more or less up against it. And taps me for $20 here, $50 there, $150 the other. None of which I ever expect to get back. Why do I put up with it? Well, I put up with it less and less but have never been able to say no more. Except that I see him less and less. That's my only defense. He just got out of jail, called me from Walmart to pick him up and drive him home and when we got to his place it had been broken into, trashed, a terrible mess. I gave him a hundred and thought that was it. But he powers his cabin from his car and the converter (I think that's what it's called) had been stolen so I had to buy him that too before today's adventure was over. I told him that's it and don't call the next time he destroys himself. It's over. But my weakness, that's what I don't understand. Why I took so much punishment for so many - 10 - years. Anyone been through something similar and been unable to stop being the patsy?
My youngest sister and her husbande were busted big time for drug dealing while they were in college, ricpic.
They were supplying a band I was playing in at the time, and the various hangers on. It was a band that went on to considerable fame and fortune.
They were dealing everything... pot, coke, quaaludes, LSD, meth... you name it.
I put up with similar neediness from them for a few years after the bust, and saw that their mess was never ending. They always found a way to be in trouble with the law. Their kids always found a way to go afoul of the law, too.
I got the hell out of Illinois. Moved to San Francisco. Years later, it became clear to me that one of the major reasons I got the hell out was so that I wouldn't spend the rest of my life bailing them out.
I used to have a girlfriend who always needed money - one thing after another - car repairs, had to pay someone to take the wheels off her house, baby needs a new pair of shoes, you know, the usual.
I knew the money was a gift, even as I was giving it, but I did mention she was my girlfriend, right? And all that implies? Holy, shit, I was a John. Aw crap - now I feel dirty!
Anyway, we parted ways and now I keep my money.
Is that you Ted?
LOL!
Chronic bad decision making always has a tendency to rope in other people as innocent by standers to the bad decision maker. Almost like an unindicted co-conspirator of sorts. It's not their fault, but there is a level of empathy/compassion that one feels for someone elses misfortune in the way ricpic and ShoutingThomas have. Like a benign whirlwind that seems harmless at first until it's prolonged malevolence kicks in.
Interesting replies. I guess it helps to know I'm not the only one.....a little.
Johnny Cash wasn't nearly the outlaw that Merle was.
ricpic: I still make the occasional trip to jail or halfway house on behalf of a cousin's recalcitrant girl friend. I'm glad to help him out but there's also times when I refuse. He understands and is appreciative. She isn't that big but she's a drunk, a brawler and capable of kicking ass. I'm not about to let her become my problem.
RIP Merle, I don't know anything at all about your songs. I'm quite thick sometimes. To repent I must now write you a song.
♫ Well there goes another country singer
Strum strummy strum strum.
♫ Walking that long lonesome highway.
Strum strummy strum
Wah ah kin toward the light ♬
Strummy strum strummy strummy strum
♫ There goes anuh-thur singer.
Strummy strum
Faded into the night.
♫ Plucky plucky plucky plucky plucky strum.
I don't know how to handle these trying situations. I have no advice to offer. I think we've all experienced something similar if not so severe as this.
I have a nephew that I know little about. His story is strange and depressing to hear. None of brothers and sisters like him, he's a trial for his own mum, my sister, who's been ever the trial for me. He's not the male version of her, his situation is completely different. He was raised by my sister's first husband how then died when the boy was still young. He is a sympathetic character. A real character.
He called and asked me if I could pick him up from the bus station from Las Vegas.
Sound easy enough, no?
That is his way of ingratiating dependency. He latches on then allows himself to become your problem. This is what my sibs complain about.
I said, "Sure. However I'm not prepared to adopt you for however long you decide."
"What do you mean?"
My nephew, he looks up to me, he's asking for help in his way. I must be a good model. I must help. In my way.
"You asked me to pick you up while not asking but needing me to drive you around once you're here. The things you want to do require that. You're not prepared with your own transportation for job hunting here (his stated intention) you'll need me to do it for you, or plan it for you, or get the information for you, or provide the means for you to get the information for you. You'll need to be put up and you expect me to just offer, and you expect me to provide all your meals while you're here."
"I do not."
"It's your m.o."
"It is not."
"Fine. When you're prepared to do all those things on your own then you are prepared to travel and not until then. You cannot latch onto anyone and expect them to carry you or have you as adjunct to their lives for the time."
"I don't do that."
"Yes. You do."
I do not recommend this. He has not contacted me again. I think I hurt his feelings. But none of my sibs would say this to him and it's what they're all thinking. Not just my sibs, his other cousins all react negatively to him but they never put their finger on it like I did. They just all roll their eyes.
Don't know where it's lore or not, but ever since I read that people often tend to pass/die near their birthday, it's something I note:
A week ago dad told us he was gonna pass on his birthday, and he wasn't wrong. -Ben Haggard
My dad died two weeks after his 80th, and his father a week after his 90th birthday.
ChipA, I'm thinking your nephew received a gift, one that may sit with him like a seed to bloom later or be eaten by birds, depending on how the wind blows. Either way a rare and to my ears healthy combination of truth and grace was expressed. I'm guessing he heard what you said but won't be able to move forward in health himself until the early loss of his father is processed. Whatever the situation, someone was straight with him and that counts as hard but good.
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