Tales of the Uber Mensch

"Hi pickup for Amy Winebox?"
"That's us. Get in the car shit head."
A diminutive angry garden gnome cradling a box of wine like a newborn climbed into the car with a dirty unkempt man with a hang dog expression. He had that expression because he seemed to have a dog hanging from his penis.
"Excuse me but please keep that dog on your lap. I don't want to mess up my car. Thank you."
"Don't worry Pedro. He never lets a dog off of his lap. Until he is finished with it. Now hurry up. I have to get home in time for American Idol."
"Yes senora."
He shifts into gear and slides into traffic. It was going to be a long slow ride.

Tales of the Uber Mensch

“Hi pickup for Larry?”

“That’s me.” An unshaven smelly man places a shivering puppy on the seat and climbs into the car.

“I’m sorry but they didn’t say that you would have a dog with you. Why is it crying and rubbing its ass against the seat?”

“Never mind driver. Don’t talk to me. Just drive me to where I want to go and no communication. Understand? You don’t get to talk to me.”

“Bueno amigo. No problemo.” He mutters under his breath “I had more fun losing packages at UPS.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing sir just checking the GPS. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Just try and keep your puppy calm. It looks as nervous as a fourteen year old girl around Joe Biden.”

He shifts into gear and slides into traffic. It was going to be a long slow ride.

WKRLEM: The Return of the Rifleman.......should we continue the series.

The Tao of Cliff

Cliff Clavin:When I was a lad, I went to see the movie Trapeze with Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis. 
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: No kidding Cliffy, did you sit between them? 
Cliff Clavin: No coach. I was sitting with blond. They were all so jealous of me. Still are. 
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: I don't think they are jealous of you Cliffy. They just don't want to listen to your bullhockey.
Cliff Clavin: Well that is just too bad Coach. I will always give my opinion. I'm a post man and I deliver it straight.

My heart belongs to Daddy!

While tearing off a game of golf
I may make a play for the caddy
But when I do, I don't follow through
Cause my heart belongs to Daddy

If I invite a boy some night
To dine on my fine Finnan Haddie
I just adore, his asking for more
But my heart belongs to Daddy

Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy
So I simply couldn't be bad
Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy
Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, daaaad

So I want to warn you laddie
Though I know that you're perfectly swell
That my heart belongs to Daddy
Cause my Daddy, he treats it so well

While tearing off a game of golf
I may make a play for the caddy
But when I do, I don't follow through
Cause my heart belongs to Daddy

If I invite a boy some night
To cook up some hot enchilada
Though Spanish rice is all very nice
My heart belongs to Daddy

Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy
So I simply couldn't be bad
Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy
Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, Da, daaaad

So I want to warn you laddie
Though I know that you're perfectly swell
That my heart belongs to Daddy
Cause my Daddy, he treats it so well

“You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means”

Lem puts up another of his porno posts. Jeeez this guy is obsessed with babes with big ta ta's and is always posting stuff about naked women.

Now he is pointing us  towards naked photos of women in the armed services.

(Read more after break)

Special Chinese food for you.......

This airplane meal leaves little to the imagination  

New York Post By Yaron Steinbuch December 19, 2016

This meal is fit for members of the mile-high club.

A Qantas business flier en route from Sydney to Brisbane got an eyeful when a flight attendant delivered her afternoon snack of six dumplings and something very phallic.

Neither her tray table nor her side dish was in the upright position — but the mysterious shriveled veggie took food porn to new heights.

“I asked the server what it was … and he told me that it was a root vegetable,” she told news.com.au. “I asked him to pass me my phone so I could take a photo … I never take photos of food but this was too funny to pass up.

“He blushed and was very apologetic, I don’t think he had ever seen anything quite like it … the lady next to me was cracking up,” she said on condition of anonymity.

The puzzled passenger left the blackened rod untouched — but scarfed down the dumplings and described them as “delicious.”

Why are Dominicans So Gay? NTTAWWT!

MLB prospects post video of ‘sexual assault’ of underage teammate 

New York Post By Mark W. Sanchez November 21, 2016 

A group of minor league baseball players have been questioned by police in the Dominican Republic after a video emerged showing an underage teammate being sexually assaulted, according to Yahoo Sports.

Eight Texas Rangers prospects were interviewed concerning the alleged hazing incident in which at least four players pinned down a teammate and masturbated him, the report states. A 10-second video of the alleged assault was posted on Snapchat and on an on-line blog maintained by one of the cousins of one of the leading jerkoffs.

Prosecutors plan to press charges in the case against the players, who have been told not to leave the country, according to the report. The group of players involved allegedly includes the brother of Rangers second baseman Rougned Odor, also named Rougned, as well as Yohel Pozo, a top catching prospect. Both are 19.

The October video allegedly shows a Rangers prospect spread on a bed with his arms and legs held down. The victim’s penis is exposed and tugged and placed underneath a hand towel, the report states.

The incident was not isolated. According to Yahoo sources, police are investigating at least one other allegation of forced masturbation.

A team staff member in the Dominican Republic, who was not involved, reported the incident to the Rangers, who reported it to Major League Baseball. MLB’s investigation is open, according to the report.

“The Texas Rangers became aware of an incident at our Academy in the Dominican Republic and we acted promptly to open an investigation,” MLB said in a statement to Yahoo. “We have reported the incident and are cooperating fully with Major League Baseball and the authorities in the Dominican Republic. We understand that most of our staff and players are jerkoffs but that has been a long standing tradition ever since Alex Rodriguez had signed with the Rangers. With this being an ongoing investigation, we will have no further comment at this time.”

WKRLEM: Everybody has a Little Tiny Moustache these days!

One Monkey Handler Don't Stop No Show

LONDON –  A former meerkat expert at London Zoo has been ordered to pay compensation to a monkey handler she attacked with a wine glass in a love spat over a llama-keeper.

Whose that TV Show?

Micky: I can't stand to see a grown bush cry.
(It is amazing how relevent old 60's sitcoms are to todays politics)

Making a Clean Breast of the Situation!

I quit my job to breastfeed my boyfriend every two hours

By Alison Maloney, The Sun

June 7, 2016 | 11:23am

A mom is breastfeeding her boyfriend — 20 years after having children.

Jennifer Mulford took time off from her job as a bartender to induce breastfeeding because she wants to start an adult breastfeeding relationship (ABR) with her boyfriend who preferred to remain anonymous as he is collecting government benefits.

Because she has not given birth to a baby recently, needed to “dry feed” every two hours to fool her body into thinking she is feeding a child so she starts producing milk.

You make the call Sports Fans!

Marco Rickey Ricardo or Fredo Bush?

Donald Trump vs Dr. Ben Carson?

And of course the choice of the ages;

Polls: You make the call?

Ginger or Maryann?

Welcome back Lem!

There is always room for you in the Dominican Hot tub time machine!

Take that Chrissy Hynde!

Because it was so proper back in the eighties.

Whose that girl?

She co-starred with the Duke in one of my favorite movies....I am sure you remember it.  It is in the top ten of great flicks starring the Duke. Plus she was in one of my favorite Elmore Leonard movies. You know one based on one of his books. Even though she is Latina and not black she still loved watermelons. And had a couple of her own. Sitting way up high. Way up firm and high. Right over her Chaps.

She also what Lem used to order when he went to the club with Diddy and J Lo. You see they need someone to hold the gat when Five O shows up.

Whose that girl in the gratuitous bathtub photo!

Whose your Dada!

Whose your Dada!

Why it is me!

Idi Amin Dada!

But as proud as I am of you I am even more proud of an actual son of my lions. You see the annual meeting of Dictators, Genocidal Maniacs and Bad guys was held in 1978 in Haiti. Papa Doc had us all there. Colonel Kadafy. Cinescu. Kim El Jong. Fidel. Pol Pot. Joan Rivers. They were all there.

It was a great time like it always is when the gang gets together. Colonel Kadafy shared some of his female bodyguards who really knew how guard your body. Fidel brought a bunch of cigars. Pol Pot had some great Thai food. And our host Papa Doc imported a lot of beautiful girls. Mostly from the Dominican.

No don't get me wrong. The women of Haiti are beautiful but the voodoo thing is cause for some concern. You don't want them putting a curse on your little Idi if you can avoid it. So some hot Latin mamacita's were perfect for a little fun in the sun.

The girl I met was a beautiful senorita who claimed to be a medical student who was working her way through school. But they all say that. Juanita Ortiz was so hot and we had sex all day long. It was among the best experiences I ever had. Well except for the time I met that Australian Ho in the outback and after we had sex I knocked her out and put her on a spit and…..errr….this was really great.

What I didn't know is that the little minx had conceived from my mighty Amin sperm. And we had a Son. Little David. Little David Ortiz.

My son grew up to be big and strong. Like most Dominicans he had to choose between being a drug dealer, owning a bodega or becoming a baseball player. Luckily he could hit. He had a big bat. Much like me his father. He became a star. For the Red Sox my favorite team. And the team that is the favorite of all the dictators. He made me very proud. Someday I hope he will come to visit me here in Scotland. 

We have much to discuss.

WHOSE YOUR DADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!