In the ruins of Madison Wisconsin Stardate 2712.4,

 

Captain Kirk: There are many strange artifacts here Spock.
Mr. Spock: Indeed Captain.
Captain Kirk: What is this place.
Mr. Spock: It appears to have been the location of a universisty in the early twenty first century right before the clone wars.
Captain Kirk: I wonder what they were studying.
Mr. Spock: It seems that this the law school. Perhaps that is a symbol of the school.
Captain Kirk: No it seems to be privately owned. There is an inscription, "property of Professor Alt.. I guess this Professor Alt was an important personage.
Mr. Spock: Indeed.
(Star Trek,City on the Edge of Madison, Directors Cut, 1966

If Star Trek was like J Date

 

"So it this your first time at the Starfleet Speed dating event?"
"Yes I thought it was the logical thing to do. So what do you do here at Star Fleet?
"I do communications baby because I am very oral."
"Fascinating. Have I ever told you about the Vulcan Vagina pinch?"
"Sounds groovy baby. Oh there be the bell. I have to go talk to the chink. I see you later."

Who the hell needs Batgirl when you have Japanese Anime?

 

The long spring day,
its mists rising,
before I know it
has turned to twilight,
and the heart that crowds my chest
hurts me so
I moan
like the mountain thrushes.
Then from the mountains
where our great Lord,
a god aloof,
is pleased to wander,
a wind comes blowing,
and as I stand alone,
morning and night,
it turns back my sleeve
and I think how auspicious
is that one word "back"!
Back where her gun is.

I call myself a man of spirit,
but on this journey,
grass for a pillow,
my thoughts keep going back—
no way to stop them—
and like the fires that burn
when fishergirls of Ami Bay
boil down their salt,
these memories burn
deep within my heart.
Of their 50 caliber butts.

Because the winds across the mountain
blow without cease,
each night in sleep unfailingly
I think with longing
of my love back home.

With her clenched cheeks
firing again and again.

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

It had all fallen apart for Yogi. Meaningless sexual encounter after meaningless sexual encounter with both sexes became his normal practice. He didn’t care anymore. He was thrown out of national park after national park as he would have sex out in the open and scare the tourists. He was just after sensation. He just wanted to feel something. Anything. But his life was empty. He had hit rock bottom.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Hey there it's Yogi Bear!

Yogi fell into a sexual abyss after Ling Ling left him. He wandered around wherever bears congregated and fell into deviant behavior. Many vistas where open to him as he was a celebrity. He did coke and partied with porn stars with Charley Sheen. He went on a sex tour of the Dominican Republic with Rush Limbaugh. And he was part of an infamous daisy chain set up by the Coca Cola bear. Sixteen bears had a orgy at Wasilia Alaska during the Iditirod race. A sex tape was filmed and posted on the Internet but Yogi was too far gone by then to care.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Happy Veterans Day!

To AllenS and all of our veterans may you have a happy and healthy Veterans Day.



I am going to honor you by going out and punching a hippie.

Flashback: Laura Bush's Diary

Well it has been a tough couple of weeks here at the ranch. First Poppy and Bug eyed Barb visited for a week. Then the Phillies beat the Dodgers in the playoffs. I hate the Phillies ever since that incident with John Kruk. I can tell you stories about why he really only has one ball but I won’t. And of course my great friend Captain Lou Albano passed away. Did you ever notice how so many of your friends all seem to pass away in bunches? First one or two then all of a sudden ten of them die in one year. I think what happens is that the people who were in their thirties and forties when you were a kid or a young adult are now at that age where they all start to pass away at the same time. It’s kinda scary.

Anyhoo I had been busy scapbooking some old photo’s of Capt Lou and Gorilla Monsoon and Chief Jay Strongbow one afternoon when my private line buzzed. I have a line that doesn’t go through the switch board for private calls. Only seven people have that number. Even W doesn’t have it. I jumped. Who could it be? I let it ring six or seven times before I picked it up. “Hello” I said. “Laura” “Yes, who is this.” “He’s dead Laura.” “Who’s dead? Captain Lou? Who is this?” “No not Captain Lou. Soupy. My Soupy Sales is dead.” “Oh my God, is that you Robyn?” “Laura my Soupy is gone.”

Now I might have told you before about the old days when I was just out of college and was trying to make it big in New York. I was working the peeps at Show world on Eight Avenue with my friend Robyn Byrd. We were roommates for a while with Joey Heatherton and Anita Gillette. But I hadn’t seen her for years. Ever since that night that Bug Eyed Barb and me got drunk and went on Robyn’s cable show. That caused such a big fuckin mess that W forbid me to talk to her. I agreed because I like to let W think he is running things. I mean he does what I say about stuff like invading Iraq and whacking Lilo Calante …. Oh shit I wasn’t supposed to talk about that …forget that. Anyway I don’t sweat the small stuff like him telling not to talk to Robyn. I mean she had my number if she needs me. And now she had finally called.

“Laura I don’t know what to do. Soupy and I had lost contact for a while but you know I always loved him. What can I do? I miss him so. I always thought we would end up together in our old age but now it can never happen. I want to kill myself.” “Now don’t talk foolishness Robyn. You are still a young woman. Soupy was a lot older than you. Plus he was a married man. You know it would never be. You need to move on.” “That’s easy for you to say Laura. You have your W. Everything turned out great for you. Me I have nothing to show for all my years of work but some tapes of talk shows with Al Goldstein, a drawer full of black crocheted bikini’s and herpes. Life is just not fair.” “I know Robyn, I know.”

We were all so young then. We used to get together for drinks with our friends like Joey Heatherton, Anita Gillette and that slut bag whore Sandy Duncan. We were all young career gals. Sort of like Marlo Thomas in ‘That Girl.” Except we didn’t have a Daddy who knew best how to help our careers. Well except for Joey cause her Daddy was the Merry Mailman on WPIX TV and she used to get us side gigs and invited to all kinds of industry parties. So we got to meet all the big stars of live TV in New York in those days. Sandy Dennis from Wonderama. Chuck McCann. Bozo the Clown. And of course my hero, Officer Joe Bolton. I might have told you about the night I met him. You see all of us young girls had a thing for one of these older gents who were so successful in TV at the time. You might call it the David Letterman syndrome. I mean if you were gonna date someone who should date someone who could help your career you know?

We would all go to Sardi’s and sit at the bar and all of the big stars would come in for drinks after the shows. There were Broadway stars and chorus boys and dancers and everyone in show business in New York City at the time. And out of all of them, Robyn had a thing for Soupy Sales. Now we all told her she was crazy. I mean we were all sure that Soupy was gay. I mean he loved to hang around with Tony Randall and Wally Cox and that little Mary Souter while they did shots of sambucca and eat those little hot dogs. It was all so gay. But Robyn didn’t want to hear it. She loved Soupy. She would go on and on about his beautiful eyes and his gorgeous hair and perfect teeth. It was sickening really.

Well one snowy February night Robyn got her chance. Joey and Robyn and I were sitting at the bar around three in the morning when Soupy wandered in high as a kite. You see he had just got suspended for two weeks for pulling that gag where he had all the kids go into their mother’s purses and take out money and mail it to him. Soupy was pissed and he was drunk and he was looking for trouble. And Robyn’s middle name was trouble. Well maybe it was Chlamydia but close enough. Anyhoo she sidled up to Soupy and they had a conversation as she ran her hand up and down his back. And then up and down his thigh. Soupy was bleary and drunk but eventually he took Robyn’s hand and they left the bar. She looked back at us with a big smile on her face. Her dream had come true! She was going home with Soupy Sales!

And so they started an affair. But it was an ill-fated one from the first. You see Robyn confided in me. There was a big problem. You see Soupy wasn't a fairy. He was a furry. He only got off with puppets and stuffed animals. That’s why his whole show was about puppets. He not only had them on the show. He molested each and every one of them. He was worse than David Letterman. Or even Steve Phillips. He had a four way with Kukla, Fran and Ollie. He titty-fucked Lamb Chop before she went on Ed Sullivan. After he dropped Oscar he became a big Grouch. So he only agreed to be with Robyn because he was drunk.

She tried to make it work. She stopped shaving and grew a full Oscar Gamble down there. She even agreed to wear costumes and stuff. For a while she was even a bit player on the show. She would put on the White Fang gloves and give Soupy a handie while he was talking to all the little kiddies. But it wasn’t meant to be. They drifted apart. Robyn went on to star in “Debbie Does Dallas” and her own long running cable TV show. Soupy bounced around TV and had a couple of shows and was eventually reduced to going to autograph shows where he had a booth between Burt Ward and the Eddie Munster guy. And now he was dead.

I talked to Robyn for an hour or so and calmed her down. She just needed to grieve. I know the feeling. It’s funny how you never forget your first love. But it seems like all these stories seem the same after a while. And it seems more and more I have to hear about people from those days that are passing from the scene. Now so many of them are gone. And W’s fucking pain in the ass mother just goes on and on and on.

Life is just unfair sometimes.

(I published all of the old Laura Bush posts on Kindle in book form. Available on Kindle Unlimited.)

Boris and Natasha must die!

We didn't know what to do with Natasha. She just loved to walk around the set naked. Well in a pair of knee high black riding boots and carrying a whip. She went through the crew like shit through a goose. There wasn't a guy on the set that she didn't bang. Even the gay ones gave it up because they didn't want to face her if she was pissed off.

She seemed so shy and demure. Nobody realized what a freak she really was. She would tell you to pull her finger. Then she would grab you pecker and pull on that. She was just insatiable. She did them all at one time or another.

There was only one guy she couldn't get no matter how hard she tried. Poindexter. He was just not interested. He only cared about science and was always making jokes about the periodic table that nobody understood. Natasha would sneak into his trailer and lay naked and play with herself while she waited for him to come back to the set. But he would just walk right past her to play with his chemistry set.

She was furious and felt the need for revenge. That was when she decided that she was actually going to kill the moose and squirrel. For real.

(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)

Boris and Natasha must die!

There were many problems on the Bullwinkle show. There was the problem of Rocky the Flying Squirrel's satyriasis. He banged anything that moved. He had affairs with every cartoon character in Toon Town. His bouts with Betty Boop were legendary. That is why she sounded so funny. It was because of all the rabid squirrel come she had swallowed. 

Then there was Bullwinkle's homosexuality. He had many beards through the years. I mean he went on a date with Natalie Wood for crying out loud. But then so did James Dean and he was a big old homo. Bullwinkle always had a young protege in his entourage that he was banging in his trailer between takes. Many a young actor in the early sixties passed through his clutches as they worked as his "assistant." Robert Redford. Sal Mineo.  Jack Klugman. Dennis Hopper. Even Jack Nicholson when he was down and out. They were a constant problem on the set with their drug use and wild sexual antics.

Boris and Natasha Must Die!

Boris and Natasha were estatic. They had finally fulfilled their destiny and won the approbation of their fearless leader. You see Natasha had managed to seduce a young New York Real estate mogul who had grown up on their cartoon and had a fetish for Eastern European floozies. Natasha met him one night hanging out at Studio 54 with Margaret Trudeau and Andy Warhol. The young pup was just feeling his oats. She let him feel something else. She took him home and they went around the world in eighty ways. All while Boris was in the closet. Not with his sexuality. But with his camera.

They did nothing with the photos until forty years later when that young horn dog was elected President. When they tried to get him to change his policies toward the Motherland he just laughed. "Get in line Nasty, there are hundreds of bimbos with photos."

The Fearless Leader was not amused.

(Jay Ward and Alex Anderson, Rocky and Bullwinkle, E True Hollywood Story)

Axillism Rose

I still am looking good.

Com-on. Smell under my arm. I know you want to.

You pervert you.

ee cummings on Abe Vigoda

being
twelve
who hast merely
gonorrhea

            Oldeyed
child, to
ambitious weeness
of boots

tiny
add
death
what

shall?

Whose your Daddy Mr. President?

George Washington did not have a long relationship with his father Augustine who died when the future president was only eleven. The cause of his father’s untimely demise is not recorded although legend has it that his wife Mary nagged him to death. Washington’s mother did indeed nag him unmercifully his entire life to the point that he ran away to join the milita and felt dodging bullets and Indian arrows was much preferable to letting his mother nag him to death as well. Augustine Washington did bequeath to his son 64 slaves, the Strother plantation and the ability to tune out the voice of any woman no matter how loud or long she might harangue him. This caused some difficultly during his Presidency because in Cabinet Meetings he could never follow what Thomas Jefferson had to say as he had a high pitched womanish voice much like that of Jennifer Tilly. This disaffection led to the creation of the two party system and the rise of political parties in the fledging United States.
(Whose You’re Daddy, Presidential Fathers, Doris Kearns Godwin, Bantam Books, 1998)

A horse is not just a horse of course

The are many deep dark secrets in Hollywood Babylon. Especially back in the sixties. There was Rock Hudson and Sal Mineo. Drug addicts like Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda. But our show had the biggest problem of all. Wilbur was having sexual relations with Mr. Ed. 

No one could understand why Wilbur would leave such fine young nubile flesh like his young wife to hang out in a barn. Little did they know that he was a pony boy. A horse lover. An equine excess dabbler. A stallion straddler. Wilbur really loved his pony. 

That is why he could only hang out with celebrities who had secrets of their own. Like Sandy. It was a time of shame and desperation. It was a love that could not neigh it's name. It made filming the show a horror. 
(Alan Lubin, Mr Ed, The E True Hollywood Story) 

Here's a stick to beat the lovely lady with......

The history of the depiction of the relationships of men and women and violence are as old as the history of the motion pictures. Tracy and Hepburn, Gable and Colbert, Stewart and Dietrich all were depicted in various famous movies engaged in hand to hand combat in the battle of the sexes. But my favorite pairing of all time is of course John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara.

The famous liberal icon and all around nasty cunt Pauline Kael once disparaged Maureen O’Hara as portraying a “John Ford” woman whose main job was to keep the home fires burning and say things like “Be careful Matt.” As usual the incoherent feminist twat had no idea what she was talking about. The women of the John Ford films were tough enduring pioneer women who were creatures of their times but who were full partners with there men. Even the citified Claudette Colbert who moved to the rough Frontier in Drums along the Mohawk, toughed up and became a full partner with her husband in the fight for survival. And no one was tougher than Maureen O’Hara.

The first pairing of Wayne and O’Hara in Rio Grande has always seemed to be the best to me. They were originally meant to star in the Quiet Man but the Studio insisted on the cavalry movie first to pay for the quaint Irish tale. The themes of honor and duty and sacrifice recur throughout Fords work and he sets up the contrast between Colonel Yorkes stern dedication to his honor and Kathleen’s devotion to a genteel ideal past of the antebellum south. North vs. South. Yankee vs. Confederate. Man vs. woman. The continual battle of opposites that attract each other. It is a staple of all the movies that Wayne and O’Hara made together.

In the Quiet Man, they are transported to Ireland as Sean Thornton woos and marries Mary Kate Danaher despite the obstacle placed in their path by her brother the Squire. The comical fist fight between Thornton and Red Will Danaher is also a staple of most of Fords best work bring a measure of comedic violence to leaven the sentiment. You know he didn’t want it to be too mushy.

If Rio Grande and The Quiet Man were the work of the master, then McClintock is homage by lesser talent. Made by Wayne’s Batjack productions it was done at the time the studio system had fallen apart and stars had to finance their own projects. Wayne was able to get financing based on the fact that it was a Western and starred him and O’Hara which was considered money in the bank. Loosely based on the Taming of the Shrew the comic violence and conflict between the rough hewn frontier and the civilizing influence of a woman were also in place. Directed by Andrew V. McLaglen, the son of Victor McLaglen who played Red Danaher as well as Wayne’s faithful sergeant in so many Ford Films. McLaglen had a long career directing Westerns but he is of course just a pale imitation of the Master. And he was constrained by Wayne’s sensibility as he had his pet writer pen this trifle of a home movie. Also starring Wayne’s son they basically copied the comic fight scene from the Quiet Man but made it between a Wayne and O’Hara with a lot of slapstick thrown in. So it is not quite fair to judge McClintock in comparison with the work of the master John Ford.

Still, it is miles better than the crap these assholes produce today.

Hey There It's Yogi Bear

Yogi had a hard time adjusting after he was divorced from Cindy. Boo Boo had left to live in a guest house on OJ Simpsons place and Ranger Smith had moved on to Washington. The old gang was gone and the grotto was empty. Nobody was visiting him anymore. So he decided to do what a lot of lonely middle aged men do. His good friend shouting thomas introduced him to lotusflower.com an Asian dating site where he started to correspond with a lovely Panda named Ling Ling. They emailed back and forth and skyped until she took the plunge and flew over to meet with him. Yogi was in love. Because even though she was a bear she liked to do it doggie style.
(Joseph Barbera. Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear The E True Hollywood Story of Yogi Bear)

Real Tales of the Boardwalk Empire

Years ago my brother was a big collector of sports memorabilia and we went down to this big show in Atlantic City with a couple of his friends. They were teenagers at the time and too young to go to the casino. They had all the living 500 home run hitters at the time. Ted Williams, Joe D, Eddie Matthews, Willie Mays and Hammering Hank. It was in the Atlantic City convention center. Now my brother had a photo with all of them on it that he was bringing up to get signed. But he also had a boxing glove that he was collecting all of the signatures of the heavyweight champs. The line for the baseball guys was about a thousand people long. I mean you had Joe D and Teddy Ballgame. So he went to wait on that line. But he sent me to the line where they had the boxing guys.

Which had nobody on it.

It was a side table behind a curtain with Larry Holmes, Floyd Patterson, Ezzard Charles, Leon Spinks and of course Smokin' Joe Frazier. I got the glove signed and just hung around bullshitting with the champs. Larry Holmes was totally out of it. He was like Giggy the dog that Lisa Vanderpump carries around on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Larry didn't say shit. I don't know if he was punch drunk or just fucking with me. Periodically he would lean forward and we would all go "Yeah Champ?" and he would say "I like eggs." It was  a trip. Joe Frazier would go nuts. "Waz up with you dumb fuck. You senile or just dumb." Joe was enjoying busting balls with everyone. He goes and picks up a big black Hefty Garbage Bag and goes "Hey Leon look it's your Mama's underpants." Leon would just smile his gap tooth smile and shake his head. It was brilliant.

I fell into a conversation with Joe and he was one cool guy talking to an everyday kind of guy like me. They were bored out of their skull but since the promoter was paying them they hung out until closing.

Dash it all Miss Moneypenny

"Take it out James."
"What do you mean Moneypenny?"
"Take it out and put it in my hand. I will show you what I can do with it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Well during the war I learned a lot of things."
"I bet you did."
"Yes quite. It was a hand to mouth existence. So to speak."
"I like how you think Moneypenny."

Tasty Choice

McCoy: Think, Spock – what's happening on your planet right now?
Spock: My people are barbarians... warlike barbarians.
McCoy: Who nearly killed themselves off with their own passions. Spock – you're reverting back to the ways of your ancestors... five thousand years before you were born!

James T. Kirk: Yes it is quite a dilemma. But my question for you Spock is did you bang that chick in the fur bikini.

Spock: We were intimate Captain. But I was not myself. I believe it was the beverage she served me when I was injured.

McCoy: What was it Spock.

Spock: She called it: Taster's Choice.

(Star Trek, All Our Yesterdays)

They call me Lame Beaver

"Why do they call me Lame Beaver?"
"Because I like to lay on my buckskin rug instead of staying home and banging my wife Jeanie!"
"She definitely doesn't have a Lame Beaver."
"More of a tasty Beaver."