The Summer of Boo Boo

Most of the famous bears in America had moved to Jellystone. Or at least spent their vacations there. Ever since Yogi had set up his grotto in the park. He copied the one at Playboy Mansion that he was invited too by Hef when he had his TV show. Everyone came to visit him and hang out during the summer.

Smokey was always there toking up. One summer he invited his Hollywood friends Cheech and Chong and they were high all summer. They tried to give us some of their dope but we didn't indulge. We stuck to fermented garbage we would get from the tourist cabins.

Gentle Ben would come out and get drunk and rowdy and try to rape some of the lady bears. You see the nickname Gentle was sort of a joke like calling a really fat guy Tiny. Gentle Ben was a real asshole. They really should have called him Rapist Ben. He started a motorcycle club called Sons of Ursus and for a little while Sister Bear was his old lady until he wanted her to pull a train. She wasn't down for that so she came back home.

The Coca Cola Polar bear spent the summer with us. He liked the heat. In fact he spent most of his time sunbathing and trying to find oriental  campers he could kill and eat. They reminded him of the Inuit back home. Plus he spent a lot of time having sex. You see he was pure white and that was attractive to a lot of the lady bears who were sick of the black and brown bears who only wanted to fuck and live off their welfare checks. So he got laid a lot even though he was weird. Whenever he would put it in he would scream ISITINYOUYET! I think it was a Eskimo thing.

The weirdest of all was Gentile Ben. You see he was a brown bear who spent all his times with Jews. His regular job was up in the Catskills where he was the Shabbos Bear. You see he would turn on the lights and the TV's for the Jews who couldn't touch anything on the Sabbath. His main job was with this famous Lady Comedian named Maisel. She would take him on tour where he would act as a body guard as well as the Shabbos Bear. Gentile Ben was very weird. He wouldn't eat pork and he never spent any money. Plus he had a really big nose. He said it helped him fit in. He went on one date with Sister Bear but she said he was too strange. He wanted her to wear a wig and showed her a sheet with a hole in it. That was enough for her.

All of these strange sexual goings on took their toll on the family. The children had grown up and were sexual beings. Sister Bear was being pursued by many different bears. She had lots of dates and love affairs. The problem was not with her. It was with brother bear.

You see he never had a girlfriend. He just went to work at the Post Office and then followed around long brown haired campers to the make out spots in the park. It was actually pretty scary.

It was the Summer of Boo Boo.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

The Summer of Boo Boo

We didn't know what to do with ourselves after we got the Coors virus from those dirty Oriental bears who came to us from the Denver Zoo. Ranger Smith instituted a quarantine to stop disease from coming in from any other dirty foreign bears from shit hole countries.

He kicked out the black bears who had come in from Haiti as they not only smelled bad but practiced voodoo. He deported the greasy brown bears who had illegally passed over the border from Mexico. He said our motto had to be "Only Silver Backs no Wet Backs." He even had the bi-polar bears from Canada removed who kept eating Koreans because they looked like Eskimos. All of them were thrown out of Jelly Stone and only All American Bears were allowed to remain in the park.

His big mistake was not doing something about Brother Bear. Ever since he had fallen into his deep depression and started stalking young brown haired campers he was the real danger in Jellystone. Not the ursine foreigners even thought they had the virus.

You see it was the Summer of Boo Boo.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

The Summer of Boo Boo

After the Chinese Bears gave us the Coors Virus the greasy Eye-talian doctor forced us into home quarantine. We had to stay in our grotto and not go out and work. So there was nothing to do but eat.

We were worried at first that we couldn't survive if we couldn't work. We got our food from entertaining the tourists. That and turning over garbage cans.  Now that we were stuck at home we couldn't do that. But we had a savior.

You see Ranger Smith brought us tons of food. So much food that we got really fat. All we could do is eat and surf the net all day. Ranger Smith told us not to worry. He called his largess the "Jelly Stone stimulus plan." The only strange thing was that he used to take Sister Bear into the back room and lock the door. When he came out he told us that was the stimulus part of the plan. For him.

This only served to make Brother Bear even more crazy. He was hot and bothered and wanted to work out his problems on the long haired brunettes in the campground.

It was the Summer of Boo Boo.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

The Summer of Boo Boo

We all got sick when the Chinese Panda Bears moved next door. Their young daughter Ling Ling gave Brother Bear a virus. Not the one he always got where his penis would burn when he took a pee. This one was named after a beer. Ranger Smith called it the Coors Virus. I don't know why but I think he thought it sounded cool.

We all caught the virus. It made us cough and wheeze and it was hard to breath. We all sounded like  Papa Bear when he took Mama Bear into their bedroom and locked the door after he had been drinking all day. We huffed and puffed and sounded like we were running a race. It got so bad we had to go to the Hospital.

There were a lot of sick bears there. Smokey was hacking up a lung. He was always against forest fires but he smoked like a chimney. Gentle Ben was there and he wasn't gentle at all. We even saw Gentile Ben who was the shabbos goy for all the Jew Bears. They were all in the hospital and they were all very sick.

The Doctor in charge was a greasy Eye-talian who looked like he was looking for his momkey before he started grinding his organ. Or that he would rather be grinding his organ than taking care of sick bears. Anyway he said there was nothing he could do. We had to self quarantine at home. No more going to work. No more frolicing for the tourist so they would throw us food. No more raiding garbage cans.

We are going to starve. And that dirty wop doesn't care.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

The Summer of Boo Boo

We were really excited about our new neighbors. They came from overseas. In fact they were Chinese. Mama was happy because she thought she could get them to do the laundry. Brother Bear kind of liked their young daughter. He even stopped playing with himself and stalking campers with long brown hair. 

Only Papa Bear was not happy. He didn't trust foreigners. Especially slant eyed Bears. He was right for once.

You see the Chinese girl gave Brother Bear a Virus.

 (Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)

The Summer of Boo Boo

Mama was very worried about Brother Bear. He had been acting out. She tried to smother him with attention but she was much too close to him. She overwhelmed him and he had to rebel to establish his own identity.

He started hanging out with the black bears. Most of the bears in Jellystone didn't associate with them very much. It was a very segregated national park. They had their own section of the forest where it was worth your life to visit. But strangely they accepted Brother Bear even though he was Jewish.

He started dating a young bear named Aretha. She had a great singing voice but she really liked to party. She introduced Brother to pot and H and soul music. He was never the same. He just wanted to party and fuck all the time. Aretha moved to a zoo in Ferguson Missouri and Brother was devastated. He tried to pick up other chicks but when he was rejected he was savage.

The problem was that he just didn't burn down a liquor store or turn over garbage cans. He would kill young female campers with long brown hair.

It was the Summer of Boo Boo.

(Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears) 

The Summer of Boo Boo

Brother Bear really went off the rails when the new family moved into Jellystone. They were mixed. They said they were Chinese but they didn't look yellow. They were half white and half black. Sort of like Puerto Ricans. Maybe they thought being Chinese was better or something..

Brother started hanging out with them. The girl Ling Ling was a real tease. She used to read Charles Bukowski poems and finger herself in front of him but she never let him touch her. It just made him crazier than ever.

So he decided to take things into his own hands. I mean he always had his thing in his hand but now he decided to get revenge against all women. So he went looking for white girls with dark hair. It was his compulsion. It was the Summer of Boo Boo.

 (Stan and Jan Berenstain "Son of Boo Boo", The E True Hollywood Story of the Berenstain Bears)