The case of greasy infidel

 

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. I know that I have continually requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Be that as it may, I would request that we put that matter in abeyance so that I can ask for your assistance in an entirely different matter

We here at the Yard are well aware of the secret work your brother Mycroft does with the Foreign Office. It is the reason we have not inquired too closely into the comings and goings of various swarthy sepoys and tattooed lascars in his rooms at the club. We presume that he is simply gathering information that would educate rather than edify. However, a recent difficulty with certain foreign powers has caused some concern with my superiors and I would like to address them with you.

It seems that several members of a Bedouin cast have made visits to your brother’s abode. They are obviously clearly Musselman and we have followed several of them back to their place of worship which you might know as a “mosque.” On further investigation, we have determined that they are part of a plan to protest and cause disorder in the public square to protest the actions of certain Hebraic factions in the Holy Land. They plan a disorderly protest as well as acts of violence that can not be tolerated by Her Majesty’s government.

This would not be a problem if the Honorable Disreali were still in power. Unfortunately, the advent of Prime Minister Gladstone has led to a tolerance of violence towards the Jews. The Yard is therefore at an impasse. We can not take action for fear we will not be supported by the government when the Arab moves to kill the Jew. I would ask if you had some inkling of what we can do to effect change and prevent further disorder and criminal activity. Perhaps you could enquire of your brother as to the actual policy extant as to these disorders so we might take guidance as to what we might do.

Although we at the Yard are not enamored of the Hebrew in general, we do not want to see them killed in the street. Especially on our watch despite the popularity of that course of action among many of the party in power. Although the Wigs often claim to support the people of the book, they in fact cleave to the mercenary alliance with the vast pockets of the sheiks and sultans who are the bitter enemy of the Hebrews and who seek to destroy them root and branch.

I would beseech you to question your brother as to what he is doing with the visits of these disreputable desert dwellers and to find out if he is associating with them as part of his employment or for a more personal reason.

My best to Doctor Watson and I hope he is enjoying marital bliss since his recent wedding. I presume that he is fully recovered from the swelling and painful discharge he evidenced after his bachelor do. When last I saw him as he left the water closet, he was in pain to such a degree that I ventured to jest that he had begun to resemble a Chinese woman. Please assure him that was not in fact an allusion to the size of his breasts. We all increase in weight as we age. I trust he will forgive my impertinence and join you in your efforts in this most serious matter.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 18, 1884

The Case of the not so Intelligent Artificial Intelligence

I have been playing around with Artificial Intelligence apps on the computer. I have trying to use it to simplify some descriptions and to help in writing. 

The problem is that it sucks. It sucks hard. I have been reading about how it will replace writers but there is no way that it could ever work. You have to give so much information for to generate something and then it seems to just be regurgitating what you put in originally.

I tried to get it to write one of my letters to Holmes from Inspector Lestrade. When I used a lot of detail it actually refused to do it since it said it would not make fun of anyone's sexuality or mock anyone. What's the fun in that. 

Anyway this is what it came up with:

 My dear Mr. Holmes,

I trust this letter finds you well, and perhaps even well-occupied with one of your many pressing cases. It is with some hesitancy that I write to you on a matter that, while it may not require your immediate attention, is nonetheless of some interest.

You may recall the Lady Chatterley case, which had the good fortune of crossing your path some years ago. It seems that, despite the best efforts of yourself and the Yard, this particular affair has not been entirely laid to rest.

Rumors, whispers, and insinuations have been floating about of late, suggesting that the late Lady Chatterley's gardener, one Oliver Mellors, may have been more deeply involved in her demise than was previously thought. While I do not wish to imply any wrongdoing on the part of the deceased, I must confess that such talk has made me rather uneasy.

I know that you are always one to keep your ear to the ground when it comes to such matters, and I would be most grateful if you could spare a moment to look into this for me. I understand that your time is valuable, but I assure you that any information you could provide would be of great use to the Yard.

I remain, as always, your humble servant.

Yours sincerely,

Inspector Lestrade

The case of the missing documents

 

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and several years since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

It has come to the attention of the Yard that certain top secret and confidential papers have been removed from the National Archives and have been found among the personal papers of a former prime minister. In a clandestine search of the abode of the recently deceased Prime Minister Lord Salisbury several very important confidential records regarding the Boer War were to be found among the personal papers in his study. These papers were marked Top Secret and are prohibited by both law and common practice from being removed from the archives of the government. These including many incriminating documents from prior administrations including several salacious letters from Lord Gladstone to underage soiled doves and quite a few indecipherable musings in Hebrew from that most disreputable Disraeli. When this discovery was brought to the attention of Prime Minister Balfour, he demanded that it be covered up. This is understandable since he is Lord Salisbury's nephew but still it rankles many of those at the Yard. 

I write to you in hopes that you might reach out to your brother Mycroft who still has contacts with Security Services even in retirement. The Yard would like to avail itself of the opportunity that this presents to cobble together a united front to investigate this odious breach in security and find some way to prevent it in the future.

I will note that the only item that was released to the Yard and the public was what can only be described as a recipe from the time of King George the Third who had outlined in his own hand the necessaires for a beef dish that he had learned to prepare in Hamburg before he took up the reign as King of England. It appears that Lord Salisbury has adapted this recipe and demanded that it be served to him every night as his only form of sustenance. It is passing strange that this is the only legacy that has been passed down from a figure who has been some important to history of the realm.

Something is just not quite right about this whole affair.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I recall has moved to countryside of Yorkshire to work on his art. I know that in addition to his deeply felt devotion to the collection of artistic pieces, he has become a gourmet who revels in epicurean ecstasy provide by his personal chef. I know he eschews traditional English fare such as the meat pie and the Toad in the Hole, but I am quite sure he is enamored of a good Spotted Dick. If he can at all be helpful, I would be greatly appreciative.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade

November 12, 1903

The Case of the Deleterious Dick Toc

 

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you well know it has been several months since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass-stained lover. Today I must once again humbly beseech your assistance with respect to these horrible people.

As you know we have been long keeping a jaundiced eye on the affairs of this nefarious couple. Ever since the disappearance of Lord Douchebag the Yard has maintained a check on the activities of this group of malcontents and subversives. We occasionally insert an operative into their circle to monitor their unseemly ways. Insertion is a poor choice of words and calls to mind an unfortunate vision as illegal insertions seem to be one of the goals of the group that surrounds Lady Chatterley and her shabby vegetable loving lover. The problem with attempting this mode of surveillance is that no operative can stand to associate with these two for more than a month or two as she uniformly expels them from her presence as she is mentally unstable and brooks no contradiction or even mild questioning. An acolyte lasts about as long as a mayfly in her unstable circle. 

 

However, a situation has arisen which requires your assistance. It appears that Lady Chatterley and one of her foppish spawn have instigated an correspondence with the notorious sybarite Oscar Wilde and his circle of rich and idle degenerates. They have been forward obscene renderings of male genitalia through her Majesty's post on numerous occasions. These drawings consist of artistic renderings of various penile perturbances which are drawn in slightly different poses. They are gathered together in a pile and then turned quickly to give the illusion of motion. They call this technique Dick Toc and it has become quite the rage in the social scene of catamites and degenerates.

You might ask why I am writing to you about these beastly practices, but I do indeed have an important reason. It appears that for some reason your brother Mycroft has received some of these obscene missives. I write to you to impart a warning to him and have him destroy any of these items he might maintain in his files before the Yard moves forward with the prosecution of these obscene practices. I feel I owe it to your family because of your invaluable help and our enduring friendship.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft and inform him that the case of the Gibbon with the distended rectum in the Yorkshire Zoo has been dropped. Please note that the occurrence of what various physicians have termed monkey pox have been reported in those environs and he should be circumspect in his intercourse with his current circle of friends and acquaintances. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
July 25, 1898

The Case of the Holiday Horror

 My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you well know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and also quite some time since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance with respect to these horrible people.

As you know we often review old case files in an attempt to discern if circumstances have changed or new information has come to light. It seems that things have changed in the loathsome prescient of that disreputable slattern Lady Chatterley and her brutish consort. 

 

As you must be aware they had ceased holding the salon for which they had so unjustly been renowned. They seem to have thrown out the obsequious lickspittles and unctuous toadies that made up their circle. It seems once they were left to their own devices they have turned the violence they once did to civilized discourse upon each other. All of which seems to have come to a head when the last cask of fetid wine had been broken and there was nothing for the swinish lady of the house to consume. In fact if you can credit it the wine was purveyed in a box in stead of good English Oak!  She thus turned her wrath upon her unfortunate consort who left to find solace in any way he could. As you know this scene is often reenacted on Holidays when they are left to their own putrid company. This is not the first time this unfortunate occurrence has become part of the police blotter.

It seems that the unfortunate knave who serves as body servant, gardener and barber to the surly harridan decided to flee and eventually wandered into a tavern along the way and fell into conflict with the happy patrons who were well unaware of his existence. He began a contrempt's with a jolly fat man who was regaling the tap room with witticisms and a stoic carpenter who was instructing the room about various insect infestations when the beaten down body servant came in to cause a most unnecessary conflict. Luckily he was tossed outside by the tavern occupants and conspired to wander aimlessly about looking for solace in his life of abject misery.

There is naught for either of us to do but I thought you might like to be informed of the status of these  nefarious people as you wished to hear about the flea infestation of the Hound of the Baskervilles and the cheese addiction of the Giant Rat of Sumatra. In any event I thought it best to keep you apprised of the latest doings in good time.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I hope is enjoying his retirement from the Foreign Office. I know he misses both the Foreign Office and the Foreign Orifices he came in contact with during his time in government. I trust he knows that a quiet life in retirement is the best outcome considering his last exploits when last in London. None the less please give him my regards. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of the Disappearing Salon

 

 My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you well know it has been many years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and also quite some time since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance with respect to these horrible people.

As you know we often review old case files in an attempt to discern if circumstances have changed or new information has come to light. It seems a remarkable transformation has occurred in the salon of the noxious Lady Chatterley. She has closed her salon and banished all the many miscreants out into polite society. These poor unfortunates who are barely literate and in need of our succor and understanding were left wandering the streets in search of some other false deity to flagellate them and torture their benighted souls. Bereft of the solace of their common herd they are bewildered and lost. I have no understanding as to why they were expunged except that the syphilitic psychoses of their host must finally have reached it's zenith. They could no longer cover it up and so had to loose their misbegotten acolytes on to our society. 

 

Pray tell have you any news about this most unusual occurrence? Perhaps one of your irregulars might have some insight as they are well acquainted with the dregs of society where these poor unfortunates dwell. The Yard has called upon me to prepare for any new vile plans that this most despicable couple might be planning. I am most desirous of your council and advice.

Please give my best to your brother Mycroft who I now recall has moved to countryside of Yorkshire to work on his art and his continuing acts of charity. I know that he felt moving to the country would be salubrious and conducive to his health. I hope his work with young orphan boys will assuage his loneliness and allow him to live a fulfilling and happy existence. 

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
November 12, 1898

The Case of the Muderous Musselmen!

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been many months since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. As dead as the salon that was involved so intimately in that affair. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. The inhabitants of that decadent salon have gone to other amusements concerning small dogs and vegetation. The case has been officially closed and the Yard has gone on to other concerns.

I write to you today regarding an entirely different matter.

There have a rash of attacks by various miscreants both Musslemen and Hottentots that have caused mayhem in the streets of London these past few weeks. It seems that has been a religious upset do to the activities of certain English explorers in the lands of Araby. Several crazed adherents of this strange and pernicious religion have taken to stabbing passerbys while shouting out religious slogans about their pagan god. One of these savages went so far as to whip a team and rammed his dray through the market at Manchester injuring many some fatally. The Home Office has taken a dim view of these occurrences and would like to use your services. They would like you to devise a program where we could devine who were members of this death cult so that they might be identified and then hanged and their families driven from our shores.

As far as the Hottentots are concerned the Home Office is in a quandary. It has long been the policy of her Majesty’s government to turn a blind eye to the importation of such people to serve as domestics and workers in various factories in the midlands. Some are sailors who have come ashore and others are colonials who have come as servants to some lord or lady returning from a posting and who are then cast adrift to fend for themselves. They of course engender poverty, crime and disease as that is their natural state. The question is should we halt all further immigration of these poor savages and expel those that are polluting our shores. Lord Kitchener has proposed that they be gathered together and concentrated in camps built expressly for that purpose much as the Army did with the Boers in the recent unpleasantness in the Tansval. He claims that Hottentot problem will only get worse over time as they will begin to dominate entire neighborhoods and flood our prison system as well as the local charities for indigent as they are incapable of sustained effort. Lord Kitchner says we must nip this problem in the bud before it becomes a cancer to this blessed isle and a stout hearted yeoman of English stock will become a stranger in his own land.

Scotland Yard has directed me to ask you to help us devise a response to these problems. The current plan which I favor is to round up all of the Musselmen and Hottentots and hang or transport them. However the Queen is very soft hearted and would endeavor to find a more kind hearted alternative. I was hoping to consult your estimable brother Mycroft but he has been incommunicado since the dispute over payment of his charcoal sketches of naked street children. No one has heard from him for many months and I hope he is well. His contributions have been greatly missed and we all hope he will return to polite society as soon as may be possible.

In any event give him my regards when next you speak.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
June 12, 1899

The Case of the Salubrious Steak.

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been several years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and over a year since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

Her Majesty has specifically tasked the Yard with finding a way to stop the re-election of the Marquis of Salisbury to another term as Prime Minister. The Queen feels that there must be something in his background that would disqualify him in the eyes of the public and if it were to be revealed his support would fall away and a more genteel choice might be proffered. You will be familiar with the recent contempt’s relating to the racial remarks made by the Marquis in which he said that white constituents could and would never be served by the election of a “black man.” This appalled her Majesty and all and sundry toadies, lickspittles and garden workers. The Queen demands that the discourse of her ministers be above approach and correct in all political jots and tittles. The speaking of unvarnished opinion which might be true but which are distasteful to a delicate sensibility must be eradicated and the speakers silenced and shunned by polite society. She expects the members of the press and her government to enforce this dictate or she will make her displeasure felt in no uncertain terms.

The Case of the Well Oiled Politician

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. We can close the books on that unfortunate subject. So it falls to me to solicit your assistance in an entirely different matter.

As you know new elections have been called in Parliament for the spring. It seems that the Earl of Roseberry means to be a candidate once more. He is favored by the Queen for reasons we need not elaborate other than they are both described with the same honorific. Her Majesty because of her title and the Earl because of his inclination. In fact he is the favorite of much of the establishment because he is malleable and corrupt which is what they seek in leadership. The Yard has determined that he has used government accounts to enrich himself while selling his country seat to a military supplier for a suspiciously high profit. In addition he has obtained a naval frigate at a nominal price which had been declared salvage by an Admiralty clerk who obtained his position by the Earl’s good offices. Yet this is not the problem.

The Case of the Prolific Peer

My dear Holmes

Once again I must trouble you as your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. However now I must trouble you with a new matter that has disturbed the innermost sanctum of Scotland Yard.

The Prime Minister has received several complaints regarding the writings of one Sir Henry Rider Haggard who has recently been promoted to the House of Lords. It appears that Sir Henry is too prolific for the comfort of certain readers who have the ear of the Prime Minister. His tales of the adventures of Allan Quartermain with its dusky maidens, heaving bosoms and savage Africans seem to disturb their somnolent complacency. They demand that he be censored and that he cease producing so much material as it drowns out other voices. They demand that less vigorous and earthy tomes be featured in the press and the literary world. They feel if these writings were given their proper due there would be more comment and interest when they are not superseded by more entertaining light weight fare. The Prime Minister would like to keep the peace and endeavored to inquire if you would intercede. As you are such good friends with the estimable Sir Arthur Conan Doyle perhaps he might speak to Sir Henry and get him to agree to stifle his talent and quiet his voice so that other less estimable fare might find an audience.

I hope all is well with you and Doctor Watson and wish that you convey my best wishes to your estimable brother Mycroft. I understand that he has moved to the country to immerse himself in his art and his work with young orphan boys. I understand that Lord Baden Powell has agreed to allow him to start a Scout troop which would serve to take up more of his free time and prodigious talents. I trust that he will remember that we can only do so much and that he will be more circumspect in his activities.

In any event give him my regards.

I remain as always,
Your obedient servant,
Inspector G. Lestrade
Scotland Yard
December 15, 1899