The Case of the Salubrious Steak.

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. As you know it has been several years since I have last requested your assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag and over a year since we examined the obscene affairs of the odious Lady Chatterley and her grass stained lover. Today I must ask for assistance in an entirely different matter.

Her Majesty has specifically tasked the Yard with finding a way to stop the re-election of the Marquis of Salisbury to another term as Prime Minister. The Queen feels that there must be something in his background that would disqualify him in the eyes of the public and if it were to be revealed his support would fall away and a more genteel choice might be proffered. You will be familiar with the recent contempt’s relating to the racial remarks made by the Marquis in which he said that white constituents could and would never be served by the election of a “black man.” This appalled her Majesty and all and sundry toadies, lickspittles and garden workers. The Queen demands that the discourse of her ministers be above approach and correct in all political jots and tittles. The speaking of unvarnished opinion which might be true but which are distasteful to a delicate sensibility must be eradicated and the speakers silenced and shunned by polite society. She expects the members of the press and her government to enforce this dictate or she will make her displeasure felt in no uncertain terms.

The Case of the Well Oiled Politician

My dear Holmes,

It is your most humble petitioner, Inspector Lestrade. It has been some time since I have stopped requesting assistance in the troubling matter of the disappearance of Lord Douchebag which you might not recall as it happened several years ago. That curious case had dragged on and on but is now considered dead. It seems to have escaped the notice of so many who at one time claimed the deepest interest and concern, but who have gone on as though nothing had happened. It is as though Lord Douchebag never existed. We can close the books on that unfortunate subject. So it falls to me to solicit your assistance in an entirely different matter.

As you know new elections have been called in Parliament for the spring. It seems that the Earl of Roseberry means to be a candidate once more. He is favored by the Queen for reasons we need not elaborate other than they are both described with the same honorific. Her Majesty because of her title and the Earl because of his inclination. In fact he is the favorite of much of the establishment because he is malleable and corrupt which is what they seek in leadership. The Yard has determined that he has used government accounts to enrich himself while selling his country seat to a military supplier for a suspiciously high profit. In addition he has obtained a naval frigate at a nominal price which had been declared salvage by an Admiralty clerk who obtained his position by the Earl’s good offices. Yet this is not the problem.