I need another cup to face the day

I always start the day with a couple of cups of coffee. Not lattes. Not half foam Americana's. Just plain joe. Black. In a big cup.

We often argued when we were first married about coffee and how to make it. I had a old fashioned Faberware percolator that I had for about twenty years. It  had  a plug and you had to take the guts out to clean. It didn't have paper filters or any of that bullshit. Just hot strong coffee. It was the best coffee pot I ever had.

It finally gave up the ghost and we proceeded to buy a new one. Unfortunately it was a disaster. You see China had bought the company and everything was being produced over there. Which means it works for about a year and then the heating element goes.  So for the past six years or so we would buy a new one and throw out the old one. It was a disaster.

Finally someone gave us a brand new Mister Coffee.  I hadn't had one since the seventies. I hate the coffee it makes. But I had to use it because I was tired of the complaints of the weak coffee a dying Faberware pot would make. I have to make sure I have the fucking filters and all that shit. The only solace I have is that I use high octane coffee and make it incredibly strong. I used to hate Mr. Coffee because that is what we always had in the accounting offices I used to work in. They would always make bland insipid coffee and it was like drinking dishwater. I guess I just have to get over it and take it like you have to do with so many things as you age and lose agency over your life.

I was introduced to coffee by my grandma when I was six years old. When I would go over her house she would give me a shot of espresso before I went around the corner to Sacred Hearts grammar school. So I am used to really strong black coffee since I was a kid.

I hate Star Bucks and all of those fancy bullshit coffees. I would always get my coffee and buttered roll from the little aluminon carts that the have in front of subway stops and the LIRR. It was always hot and strong. I would always make friends with the guys running the carts giving a cheery hello and a good word as I am happy in the mornings. In the last couple of decades these guys always seem to be Muslims. In fact I vividly remember one of them asking me what train I took to get to the Flatbush Avenue stop on the LIRR. I told him the G train and he said that was good. It was around 1997 or 98 and later that month a couple of mooks got arrested for planning to bomb the Flatbush Avenue station of the IRT. See it always pays off to be nice even if you don't mean it.

So excuse me while I fire up the pot. I need some more caffeine to get through the day.

Diamonds are a girls best friend

Toot’s Shor's Saloon, October  28, 1959 (Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: She’s in the back with some French faggot that she is making a movie with.  I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last couple of times, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello. (Joe brushes by him without a word and walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? This is my friend Yves. He’s French. We made a movie together. Sit down and have a drink with us. (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear and she smells like a tuna fish sandwich left out in the sun)

Yves Montand: Bonjour Mr. Dimaggio. (Yves sticks out his hand and Joe looks at it. He ignores it like it was a dead fish. Humiliated the Frenchmen sits down and pulls out a cigarette)

Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? Yves and me have been having sex Joe. Lots of sex. You know he even knocked me up. That’s right. He got me pregnant. You couldn’t do that with your useless guinea needle dick.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: You can’t say that keed. Whaz da matta with you. You want Joe to pulverize this frenchy? (Yves Montard is not following the conversation too well. He just know the energy is bad. So he makes like a mime)
Marilyn: Shut up Toots. Joe needs to know what a useless fuck he is. Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. Joe divorced me because I couldn’t give him a baby. And that I fucked everyone. But that wasn’t my fault. That was how you get a job in Hollywood.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Don't talk like that Keed. Joe don't want to hear this shit. You life is your life but he don't wanna hear this. Show some respect.
Marilyn: Show some respect? What are you talking about you stupid Kike bastard. Nobody shows me any fucking respect. I am just a fuck toy. They just want to fuck me. And you know what Joe? Yves treats me right. He loves me Joe. Not like you. Even though I lost the baby he still comes around. Not like you you guinea fuck.

(Yves get more and more perturbed as Marilyn gets more excited. He puts his hand on her leg and she swats it away. Joe looks at that and his eyes narrow. Yves starts to sweat like there were Germans in the room)
Toots: Ok keed, you poor dumb snatch don’t get excited.
Marilyn: You believe me Joe, don’t you? You believe me when I tell you that you were just one among many of the nasty pricks I had to swallow. I fucked them all. I sucked them all.  But only Yves could give me a baby. YOU COULDN'T DO THAT COULD YOU?  WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GUINEA COCKSUCKER. (Marilyn red faced and frantic suddenly flips from manic to depressed as she continually queefs out to the tune of La Mareillaise)

Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn:  Still nothing to say…well screw you…you sad guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe in a half-hearted way, picks up her purse grabs Yves hand and they storm out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe. Here's a towel.
Joe DiMaggio: Get me Frankie Carbo on the blower. Right now.
Toots Shor: Joe com'on you don't want to do that. That fanoik is a big deal actor. You can’t touch him.

 Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUPP!

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, June 19, 1962 (Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know. I know you saw her last week but I hope you can keep it calm and not upset the rest of my customers.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last couple of times, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello.

(Joe walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear and she smells like a halibut)
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid. Why wouldn’t he. You’re his girl.
Marilyn: I’m his girl? Shut up you dumb sheeny. Joe has a bunch of girls. So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I hear you have been banging Durocher’s ex. I divorced Artie you know. I know I told you that already. That bastard. He put me in nut house. A nut house Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Yeah we heard about that keed. That’s a shame.
Marilyn: Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. Arthur used to make me go to literary parties where he sat around with all writers and playwrights. Most of them were fags but still some of them wanted to fuck me Joe. Everybody wants to fuck me. Or at least get a blow job. Artie used to make me pour drinks and let these jerks rub up on me. Even that fag Tennessee Williams tried to put his puny pecker in my mouth. It was horrible Joe.

Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Don't talk like that Keed. Joe don't want to hear about this shit. Your life is your life but he don't wanna hear this stuff. Everybody knows what you do. Show some respect.
Marilyn: Show some respect? What are you talking about you stupid Kike bastard. Nobody shows me any fucking respect. I am just a fuck toy. They just want to fuck me. And you know what Joe? They all fucked me. Ever since you left me I banged all of them. Even the faggots. Tennessee Williams. Eddie Albee. Faulkner. That Hemingway prick that couldn’t get it up. Artie even let Albert Einstein lick my snatch. They all used me Joe. Because you let me go. Why did you do that Joe? Why?

Toots: Ok keed, you poor dumb snatch don’t get excited.
Marilyn: (started to get angry as she began to queef and sounded like a mallard getting gang banged) You believe me Joe, don’t you? You know you were just one among many of the nasty pricks I had to swallow in my miserable fucking life. I fucked them all.   WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT YOU GUINEA COCKSUCKER. (Marilyn red faced and frantic suddenly flips from manic to depressed)
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn:  Still nothing to say…well screw you…you sad guinea motherfucker (Marilyn throws her drink at Joe in a half-hearted way, picks up her purse and storms out of the saloon)
Toots Shor: What a crazy broad man, forget about her Joe. Here's a towel.
Joe DiMaggio: Tennessee Williams banged my wife. Call Frankie Carbo and tell him I want to talk to the Gallo boys.
Toots Shor: Joe com'on you don't want to do that. These are fancy people Joe. They got pull. You just can’t whack them out.

 Joe DiMaggio: DO LIKE I TELL YOU AND SHADUPP!

Diamonds are a girls best friend

Toot’s Shors Saloon, August 1, 1962(Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)

Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back…just so you know.

Joe DiMaggio:

Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, why don’t you just go up and say hello.(Joe walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)

Marilyn: ( stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear She begins to queef quietly, just barely audible over the sounds of the bar)

Joe DiMaggio:

Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend.....the Original Series

Toot’s Shors Saloon, May 16, 1962(Joe DiMaggio walks into Toots Shore’s saloon, what he doesn’t know is that his ex wife Marilyn Monroe is sitting in the back)
Toots: Hey Joe, how ya doing….ah…Marilyn’s here…in the back… again ….just so you know.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: I don’t want no trouble Joe, not like the last time, can you try it keep it friendly. …. why don’t you just go up and say hello.(Joe walks to the back to say hello and stands in front of her table)
Marilyn: (stands up and kisses Joe on the Cheek and says in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Joe. Did you miss me? (Marilyn sits down opposite Joe, and as she does her legs are really open. She is definitely not wearing any underwear, but she does seem a little worse for wear )
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Of course he missed ya kid.
Marilyn: So Joe. How have you been? Have you been seeing anybody lately? I divorced Artie. That bastard. He put me in nut house. A nut house Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Toots: Yeah I heard about that keed. That’s a shame.
Marilyn: Everybody thinks I am crazy. I know I am just fine. It’s just that all my old friends have dropped me. Sinatra won’t return my calls. Dean Martin is nice and all but he has no time for me. Even Jack Kennedy won’t let me blow him and he would take a blow job from Helen Thomas for Christ sake and she looks like Fred Flintstone. Why does everyone hate me Joe?
Joe DiMaggio:

Diamonds are a girls best friend.

Toot’s Shors Saloon, April 15, 1951
After a workshop at the Actors Studio Arthur Miller decides to go slumming and goes across the street to Toot’s Shors Saloon carrying a copy of Albert Camus “The Stranger.”
Toots: Hey Artie you fuckin' Bloshie how they hanging.
Arthur Miller: Good evening to you Falstaffian vulgarian. I have come in for a small libation.
Toots: Hey there is someone I want you to meet. Might loosen you up a little (walks Miller over to a banquet where Marilyn Monroe is sitting with her agent) Hey Kid, I want you to meet Artie Miller, he’s an egghead and a commie but a nice guy even though he is afraid to show it….Artie this is Marilyn Monroe.
Marilyn: (in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Artie. Nice to meet ya. (She stands up and extends her hand shyly and extends her hand)
Arthur Miller: (Shakes with Marilyn and stands awkwardly, puts hands in his pocket) Hello Miss Monroe. I actually prefer to be called Arthur.
Toots: Hey lets siddown and have a couple of pops.

Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend

Toot’s Shor's Saloon, September 28, 1961(J Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolsen walk into the saloon wearing crisp suits and flowers in their lapels)
Toots: Hey look at youse fanooks. How you doin' Eddie. And Clyde. What are you doing with this ugly mug.
Clyde Tolsen: That's for me to know and you to find out sweetie. Come on and give us a kiss.
J Edgar Hoover: Shut up Clyde. We need a table Toots. We just lost a bundle at Aqueduct.
Toots: Eddie, Eddie you got to stop betting like that. What is Jack gonna say? He is gonna fire you. I know Bobby hates your guts. He hates fanooks even more then he hates the  Eyetalians.
J Edgar Hoover: I know that you stupid Sheeny. I need to talk to Joe D.
Toots: Don't get your panties in an uproar there chief. He's in back. And he is with Marilyn. She just got out of the nuthouse so don't say nuthin about how she looks.
(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties. She is wearing a white dress and her makeup is mussed and her hair is disheveled. All of her hair so to speak. She is hot and sticky so to cool off she is queefing non stop. Sort of like a mallard with Tourette’s syndrome.)
Toots: Joe looks who's here. It's the campus couple Eddie and Clyde. Have a seat boys and I will get you a couple of grasshoppers or sumthin.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: ( stands up and extends her hand. Her twat queefs out the National Anthem. She leans forward to whisper in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Mr. Hoover. And look you brought your girlfriend. Nice to see you again. (She extends her hand shyly and tries to shake with J Edgar Hoover but he avoids it as he thinks girls are dirty, but Clyde Tolsen rushes up and hugs her) 
Clyde Tolsen: Oh Norman Jean. I love you. You are so fab. I feel like a candle when I break wind. I want to show you a photo of our rare clumbers. Clouds! Tits! Let me tell you about my bowels.
Marilyn: Oh that's nice. I love you fellas. I used to room with Wally Cox. Right Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: Joe just helped me check out of the hospital and we are just hanging out.
Toots: Yeah he checked you out of the crazy house you bug house bitch.
J Edgar Hoover: I need to talk to Joe for a minute Miss Monroe. What's that smell? Is somebody eating clams? Is there a dead mackerel in the flower pot or something.
Marilyn: Please don't be angry Mr. Hoover. I don't want to go back to the crazy house.  I know you can do that. I mean you did it to Frances Farmer and Rosemary Kennedy.(She is starting to get anxious and starts queefing up a storm to the tune of the “Flight of the Valkyries.)
J Edgar Hoover: No seriously. Toots. What's going on? It's like somebody is molesting a dead hallibut. 
Marilyn: It's just very warm in here. It's Indian Summer and Toots is too cheap to turn on the air conditioner. 
J Edgar Hoover: Turn on the air conditioner Toots or I will have to send your wife a copy of that photo of you with your entire head in Joan Blondell’s balloon knot. That's enough to ruin your business right there. Nobody would be able to eat your food again.
Toots: Ok calm down. I will turn it up. Jeeez are you having menopause or somethin’ you old queen?
Clyde Tolsen: Calm down Mary. It's just Marilyn's lady parts. She is sweating a little and there is some dew on the bearded clam. Don't you know anything?
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe? (Marilyn is getting more anxious and excited and she starts queefing even more furiously to the point that she is secreting and spritzing like Uncle Tanoose doing a spit take.)
J Edgar Hoover. Enough the whole of youse. Joe I can't work with this fucking Kennedy anymore. He is pushing me and the photo's I have of him with his dick in his retarded sister aren't enough anymore. I need to do something. I know you know who to reach out to so when you are throwing out the first pitch at the stadium to start the series I want you to slip me a couple of phone numbers. I need Santo’s phone number. Not his regular phone. The other one he does business on. Oh and get me Momo to come up to DC to talk. 
Joe DiMaggio:  (Hoover nods at Joe and grabs a protesting Tolsen by the elbow and marches him out of the restaurant)
Marilyn: (visibly calming down) Thank God they left. Angry queens makes me nervous.  That’s why Jeff Chandler always gave me the willies. So Joe do you want to get a bite before we go home.
Joe DiMaggio: Yeah a big smelly plate of Bacala just like my mother used to make. With black olives. You know I love the smell of that.
Marilyn: Oh Joe I love you.