The Most Conservative Man in the World.

Garland Marriott June 15. 2012

Katrina Pierson walked into the Grand Ballroom of the Garland Marriott. She was feeling feisty. She had just shoplifted some new panties from the JC Penny and she couldn’t to drop them on the floor.

It had been a while. Katrina had always been a political person. She had decided that it was what really interested her. She had a degree in biology. But it was the body politic that interested her.

She had started out working for the Democrats. Barack Obama spoke to her. He was half white and half black just like her. Her mother had abandoned her too. Giving her up for adoption and then taking her back. Like an overdue library book. Her father was black just like the President. He abandoned her too. Not as exotic as a Kenyan exchange student. Her father was just a garden variety low life who left her in poverty and was only her father because he had an extra two dollars. Still she felt that she had an affinity for the Jug Eared Jesus.

You know I have finally figured it out......Ted Cruz is A Rod.

I was listening to the Yankees this afternoon and that worthless fuck A Rod hit a home run to give us a 1 run lead. Then it hit me. I couldn't put my finger on it. No not my junk. I have big hands. I couldn't put my finger on why the more I found out about Ted Cruz the less I like him. Then it came to me like a thunderbolt.

Ted Cruz is A Rod.

New York Values

My old friend Jerry Rivers was on Bill O’Reilly the other night expounding on “New York Values” and what Ted Cruz the most conservativeman in the world was dog whistling when he said that in the Iowa caucuses. Jerry put his finger on it. It is basically an Anti-Semitic ploy to signal to people who hate those “New York Jews.”

I have seen this before. It is nothing new. It is Hymie town from Jesse Jackson. It is Ted Cruz not voting for benefits for the cops and fireman injured in the aftermath of 911. I get that a lot of the country hates New York and it’s people. New York is not for everyone. New Yorkers can be assholes. No doubt. We are very opinionated. We are always in a rush. We don’t have time for the slow and easy country style that is so prevalent out there in the rest of the country. We are not the laid back surfer style from Cali. It’s not for everyone.

The most conservative man in the world.

Giggles Bar, K Street Washington April 5. 2008

Amanda Carpenter comes up to bar and places her expensive Louie Vutton purse on the bar. She sits on a barstool in her designer dress and surveys the veldt like a predator searching out prey. A lioness on the prowl in her natural habitat. The bartender brings over her usual. A dirty martini. A very dirty martini. Because she is a very dirty girl.

She scopes out the action. A bunch of pajama boys. Congressional staffers. Republican congressman in ill-fitting cheap suits from Men’s Warehouse. Flotsam and Jetsam.  Then the crowd shifted a little. A beam of the last remaining sunlight during happy hour illuminates the corner of the bar. There he stood. A sturdy rugged Latin man. In a crisp $1,000 Paul Stewart suit and amazingly brightly shined wing tip shoes. It was him.  Don Juan Montoya De La Theodore Cruz. The most conservative man in the world.

He felt her eyes on him. As though she was caressing him from across the bar. He was sipping a Dos Equis. He didn't often drink beer. But when he did he drank Dos Equis. Conservatively.

He said something to his companion who laughed and slapped him the back as he strode toward her. She sat up straighter on her stool. She felt a little wet. Conservatism excited her. Not as much as cocaine but still.

“Hello senorita. Do I know you” asked the tall olive skinned Canadian? He was of course a Canadian even though he claimed to be an American. He was proud to have been born near the USA. Why should mere details of his place of birth matter to a man such as himself? After all. He is the most conservative man in the world.