Hell Needs a New PA Announcer

(Lucifer strides into Hell in shorts and a Hawaiian shirt smoking a cigar and scratching his balls. He does that a lot. That's why they call him old scratch) 
Lucifer: How the hell are you Forcas? Ah who am I kidding I don't give a shit. I'm back from vacation so let's get to work. 
Forcas: Vacation? I thought you were sick my Dread Lord. You seem to have lost a lot of weight.

Lucifer: Well I was sick. Shingles is no fun. I had to stay home in my burning pit argue with little Nicky on the Internet. But I am better now. That Emuaid cream really works. So what’s happening?

Forcas: Well we have a few new people in the pipeline. First there is a perverted Wrestler.

Lucifer: What Denny Hastert is here? Cool he’s a dick but I can use him to run one of the fire pits. It’s just like the house.

Forcas: No actually it is not a dick. It is a chick with a dick Chyna the sort of lady wrestler.

Lucifer: Oh I don’t care about her. Send her over to Andre the Giant and let him sit on her face. Next.

Forcas: We have a famous rock star who is very talented and famous for being purple?

Lucifer: Holy Crap! Keith Richards is coming to Hell. That can’t be. I mean I know he is always purple because they drain all the blood out of his body and replace it with the blood of 13 year old Guatemalan immigrant children. How is he here? He has another fifty years on his contract.

Forcas: No it is the artist formerly known as Prince. He overdosed.

Lucifer: Oh crap. Well send him to the Country Western Pavilion. That will torture him enough. What else?

Forcas: Well this is something different we need to talk about.

Lucifer: Well we got a news flash from one of our demons walking the earth causing trouble. Anderson Cooper reported in. He said that noted Orange American John Boehner called Senator Ted Cruz ….well he called him Lucifer sire.

Lucifer: WHAT! THAT FUCKING IDOIT THINKS I LOOK LIKE TED CRUZ! I AM GOING TO EARTH TO FRY THAT SCUM BAG!

Forcas: Now sire you know you can’t do that. The big guy gets mad when you do that. Remember the last time you went to Earth to help the Red Sox win the World Series. The earth still hasn’t recovered from that. You need to think about this carefully.

Lucifer: But Forcas everyone knows I was the best looking angel in heaven. That’s why the big guy threw me out. His son was jealous. Mary Magdalene kept winking at me. She liked to stoke my tail. How could that Orange Mongoloid think that I look like that Eddie Munster doppelganger? I mean sure we have the same moral values and sense of fairness and we both use the same playbook. We look nothing alike. This cannot stand. I am going to have to go up there.  Get my suitcase ready. What is the weather in Wisconsin this time of year anyway?

Forcas: Why Wisconsin sire? Boehner isn’t there.

Lucifer: Well it is the closest thing to Hell on Earth you can find and I want to acclimate before I track down this asshole. Plus it is the only state stupid enough to vote for Cruz. They must know how I can get a hold of him. I can stay with some friends there. I know they have room. Let’s go move it.

Forcas: Yes sire. I will prepare your parka, flannel shirt and Cheesehead hat.

(The preparations for the ascension onto Earth would now commence)