Toot’s Shor's Saloon, September 28, 1961(J Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolsen walk into the saloon wearing crisp suits and flowers in their lapels)
Toots: Hey look at youse fanooks. How you doin' Eddie. And Clyde. What are you doing with this ugly mug.
Clyde Tolsen: That's for me to know and you to find out sweetie. Come on and give us a kiss.
J Edgar Hoover: Shut up Clyde. We need a table Toots. We just lost a bundle at Aqueduct.
Toots: Eddie, Eddie you got to stop betting like that. What is Jack gonna say? He is gonna fire you. I know Bobby hates your guts. He hates fanooks even more then he hates the Eyetalians.
J Edgar Hoover: I know that you stupid Sheeny. I need to talk to Joe D.
Toots: Don't get your panties in an uproar there chief. He's in back. And he is with Marilyn. She just got out of the nuthouse so don't say nuthin about how she looks.
(Toots walks them to the back where Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are sitting at a banquet. Joe is wearing two World Series rings. Marilyn is not wearing any panties. She is wearing a white dress and her makeup is mussed and her hair is disheveled. All of her hair so to speak. She is hot and sticky so to cool off she is queefing non stop. Sort of like a mallard with Tourette’s syndrome.)
Toots: Joe looks who's here. It's the campus couple Eddie and Clyde. Have a seat boys and I will get you a couple of grasshoppers or sumthin.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: ( stands up and extends her hand. Her twat queefs out the National Anthem. She leans forward to whisper in a breathy sexy voice) Hi Mr. Hoover. And look you brought your girlfriend. Nice to see you again. (She extends her hand shyly and tries to shake with J Edgar Hoover but he avoids it as he thinks girls are dirty, but Clyde Tolsen rushes up and hugs her)
Clyde Tolsen: Oh Norman Jean. I love you. You are so fab. I feel like a candle when I break wind. I want to show you a photo of our rare clumbers. Clouds! Tits! Let me tell you about my bowels.
Marilyn: Oh that's nice. I love you fellas. I used to room with Wally Cox. Right Joe.
Joe DiMaggio:
Marilyn: Joe just helped me check out of the hospital and we are just hanging out.
Toots: Yeah he checked you out of the crazy house you bug house bitch.
J Edgar Hoover: I need to talk to Joe for a minute Miss Monroe. What's that smell? Is somebody eating clams? Is there a dead mackerel in the flower pot or something.
Marilyn: Please don't be angry Mr. Hoover. I don't want to go back to the crazy house. I know you can do that. I mean you did it to Frances Farmer and Rosemary Kennedy.(She is starting to get anxious and starts queefing up a storm to the tune of the “Flight of the Valkyries.)
J Edgar Hoover: No seriously. Toots. What's going on? It's like somebody is molesting a dead hallibut.
Marilyn: It's just very warm in here. It's Indian Summer and Toots is too cheap to turn on the air conditioner.
J Edgar Hoover: Turn on the air conditioner Toots or I will have to send your wife a copy of that photo of you with your entire head in Joan Blondell’s balloon knot. That's enough to ruin your business right there. Nobody would be able to eat your food again.
Toots: Ok calm down. I will turn it up. Jeeez are you having menopause or somethin’ you old queen?
Clyde Tolsen: Calm down Mary. It's just Marilyn's lady parts. She is sweating a little and there is some dew on the bearded clam. Don't you know anything?
Toots Shor: Blleeaaaahhhh (spits out his drink he’s laughing so hard)
Marilyn: What’s so funny Toots? Why is he laughing so hard Joe? (Marilyn is getting more anxious and excited and she starts queefing even more furiously to the point that she is secreting and spritzing like Uncle Tanoose doing a spit take.)
J Edgar Hoover. Enough the whole of youse. Joe I can't work with this fucking Kennedy anymore. He is pushing me and the photo's I have of him with his dick in his retarded sister aren't enough anymore. I need to do something. I know you know who to reach out to so when you are throwing out the first pitch at the stadium to start the series I want you to slip me a couple of phone numbers. I need Santo’s phone number. Not his regular phone. The other one he does business on. Oh and get me Momo to come up to DC to talk.
Joe DiMaggio: (Hoover nods at Joe and grabs a protesting Tolsen by the elbow and marches him out of the restaurant)
Marilyn: (visibly calming down) Thank God they left. Angry queens makes me nervous. That’s why Jeff Chandler always gave me the willies. So Joe do you want to get a bite before we go home.
Joe DiMaggio: Yeah a big smelly plate of Bacala just like my mother used to make. With black olives. You know I love the smell of that.
Marilyn: Oh Joe I love you.
8 comments:
Mets are gonna have their hands full with the Royals. They're a tough tough team. But of course we all know the Mets are gonna win, even bitterly disappointed Yankees fans eating gall ha ha ha ha ha.
The Mets lineup and pitching is the best I've seen most complete in a long time.
They have no weaknesses.
Who is Lenny Dykstra and why is he admitting to blackmailing refs? He's claiming to have hired a detective to dig up dirt on refs.
"It wasn't a coincidence I led the league in walks the next few years, was it?" He asks a flabbergasted Colin Cowherd.
Is this a thing? Is it real? These base ball players tell good jokes, and I've never really come to fully trust men who wear pajamas to work and spit all over the place, even highly manicured lawns and openly like that in public with everybody looking. Maybe its a joke.
Problems with the tv coverage. Radio has no problems however
There were FBI agents assigned as bodyguards to Hoover and Tolsen. They followed Hoover's every move. Some of these agents loathed Hoover and had no reason to say anything nice about him. Nonetheless, none of these agents ever saw Hoover act in any overtly suspect way with Tolsen. Hoover and Tolsen were odd ducks, but whatever the roots of their attraction and friendship with each other, it's quite possible they never acted out in an overt way. Who knows? Maybe nowadays an unconsummated gay relationship is more of a scandal than otherwise, but there's reason to doubt whether Hoover was a homosexual in any overt way.
Lenny is your typical Met.
queefing like a mallard with tourrette's syndrome-oh man that made me fucking laugh hard.
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