Top Ten Lion Films of All Time

1."Born Free” engrossing tale with a fraught sexual subtext. Tasty Hungarian Pastry Joy Adamson adopts Elsa a tawny lithe lioness who loved to lay around on her and lick her as she stroked the pussy until she cried for mercy. Later remade as the cable series “The L Word” it is without a doubt the best lion flick around.
2. “The Lion King” which the Disney Musical that tries to make life in Africa palatable by using animals (lions) instead of other residents of the continent. It is the story of a young boy who has his father murdered and who runs away only to return to wipe out his uncle and take over the family business. It later became was spun off as the HBO series called “The Wire.”
3.       “Clarence the Cross Eyed Lion” which starred the delectable Betsy Drake formerly best known for her service as a beard. She survived the sinking of the Andrea Doria and this disaster as well. Although it was popular enough to be spun off into the sixties TV show “Daktari” about an animal hospital in Africa. It is rumored that they treated the first monkey infected with HIV. But this has not been proven beyond a reasonable doubt.
4.       “The Ghost and the Darkness” which is the story of two man eating lions working as team which devastates a railroad project. Principally famous for being the last movie where Val Kilmer weighed less than 300 pounds it also considered quite ironic that Michael Douglas dies after getting eaten by a pussy instead of the other way around.
5.       “Savage Harvest” is a story about a family being attacked by a starving pride of lions who relentlessly attack and attempt to eat a family that includes Tom Skerritt and Michele Philips. The lions were uncontrollable and caused an enormous amount of damage and death. It was later recreated at a CVS in Baltimore Maryland.
6.       “The White Lions” tells the story of a professor and his family who went to Africa to study the behavior of the White Lions. These lions were known to rely on their privilege and got many carcasses to feed on just because they were white. This later was spun off into the collected works of Ta-Nehisi Coates.
7.       “Hold the Lion, Please” a Merrie Melodies cartoon starring the inimitable Bugs Bunny. Leo the Lion tries to show he is “King of the Jungle” by hunting down a small defenseless animal (Bugs). After a long chase Leo captures Bugs and is about to administer the coup de grace until he gets a call from his wife and meekly lets him go and returns home. Currently the same scenario is being reenacted by Secretary John Kerry and the Iranians.
8.       “Zebra in the Kitchen” is a sixties movie in which Dennis the Menace Jay North in his first movie role has a pet mountain lion that is sent to the zoo. When he sees how the animals he loves were being mistreated he sets them free and they wander the streets of his town getting in various difficulties. Currently the same scenario is being reenacted by President Obama as he releases various criminals from federal detention.
9.    “Napoleon and Samantha” a film starring two very annoying child stars of the 1970’s Johnnie Whitaker and Jodie Foster. As well as the communist Grandpa Walton and Michael Douglas before he started eating pussy. The two annoying child stars run away from home after the commie dies and have adventures with an old lion named Major who they inherited from a dead clown. The events and tone of this movie were later reenacted by Whitaker when he was Dana Plato’s manager and by Jodie Foster’s relationship with John Hinckley which of course caused a tragedy by her continuing love of pussy. Hinckley should have known by the way she stroked that cat.
10.   “Secondhand Lions” is the story of two old coots and their demented great-nephew. They buy a lion they intend to kill and stuff but decide they like it and let it live with them. There are many complications and bull shit stories about World War One, the Foreign Legion and a rich Arab sheik. In the end the lion saves the kid and dies heroically and they all live happily ever after. It is currently being reenacted in the Republican primary with Scott Walker as the boy and Donald Trump as the cowardly lion.