Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito:
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Skipping down, towards the end...
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
*** ---> over the top?
Video of three British guys making a "breakfast burrito". Notice how they spread the ingredients lengthwise, avoiding the problems encountered by burrito rage guy.
Breakfast Burrito
Dear (blank),
33 comments:
Lem giving a Lewis Black worthy rant on burritos.
Burrito's have end users? They're passed around? " Hey Chico, I saved the queso zone just for you, campadre."
Yea... that's the voice of the rant, isn't it.
The Brits have discovered cooking? Holy freaking cow.
The rant is not mine btw.
I'm just attempting to blog it.
Tear swiss cheese slice in half and place lengthwise across buttered shell.
Add two microwave poached egg whites side by side.
Add two long veggie bacon strips.
Roll, and eat over dog dish.
Put two egg yolks in dog dish with any sandwich fallings.
Serve hot.
I have experienced the "LifeSavers burrito"... fyi.
I admire his restraint.
An often-unremarked problem with take-out: if your order has been bleeped-up, it's more trouble than it's worth to go back to get it done right.
If this guy was at a sit-down, the he could have showed his abomination of a burrito to the manager and got one done right.
Look out. When someone rants like that about a burrito there's no telling what will set them off!
I had the chicken mole tonight. No problems.
That delete was me. I put a War comment on the burrito thread.
I've never had a burrito. Never will.
That delete was me. I put a War comment on the burrito thread.
Anytime you put a War comment on a burrito thread you should make sure to layer it fucking lengthwise!
Well, other than bemusement over what a "hava cardo" was every time he pointed to the avocado...
What's the sour cream for? There's no chiles in it, green or otherwise. Oh... let's cool this down? Silly Brits.
I think that the hardest thing about making a burrito or other tortilla wrapped food item is the temptation to put too much stuff in. Still, that's how full "street" burritos tend to be.
Lifesaver burritos: I was going to say that I'd never complain about this, I just wouldn't ever ever eat there again... but I'm not sure that's true. I'm getting old and crotchety and I very well might complain... and then never eat there again.
Lastly, what's local and authentic around here that I've not seen elsewhere is burritos with potatoes in them. Potatoes and green chili, on account of green chilies go in everything.
Sixty, Nick Offerman plays a great character on Parks&Rec. He is a libertarian, man's man, working for the govt. w/ women and girly men, except for Andy. Offerman made the same unequivocal statement about burritos as you. Andy gets him to try a triple meat burrito. Offerman loves meat. After eating the burrito he was hooked. His summation was, "The tortilla is really just a delivery system for all that great meat..I never realized that."
Sixty Grit said...
I've never had a burrito. Never will.
I learned to like them in Sunnyvale.
I get that meat has to be delivered, but I'll use a fork or a piece of bread.
Corn - I avoid that stuff like the plague.
I only eat food I have prepared myself - so, no corn, no tortilla handling skills, no desire to eat such a concoction, so no burrito now, no burrito ever.
I prefer flour tortillas for burritos. Most people do.
He should probably calm down. Maybe have a cup of coffee.
It's kind of like how most Americans don't use durum wheat for pasta.
But my Fritos have to be made from corn.
And so shall they be!
Chick, You mean noodles.
I could eat burritos every day, and for a while I did. Every lunch for a year. Love 'em.
I'm a purist though. Meat (carne asada), cheese, maybe some rice and some beans. I despise cilantro, sour cream, etc. and so on.
Here in SoCal, they're easy to find. Good Mexican places abound. The best are almost always the small, independent places. Never the best looking on the outside but the food... it's heavenly.
And this was a great rant. I've had those burritos, everything lined up. It's morally offensive.
PaddyO, I just go to the taco stands where all the gardeners in San Diego eat lunch. Fool proof system.
Here in SoCal, they're easy to find. Good Mexican places abound. The best are almost always the small, independent places. Never the best looking on the outside but the food... it's heavenly.
As a South Texan: yes, this. In my city there is a taqueria on every corner and most of them are decent, but the best are the ones that look pretty beat-up on the outside and have a line out into the street on Sunday morning after the first Mass gets out.
Regarding the guy's rant: holy first world problems, Batman! In my opinion tantrums are never funny or entertaining.
Absolutely right to be upset with that thing (can't really call it a burrito anymore).
Corn > Flour
The author is an ass. Reminds me of working on a farm when I was young. We didn't live on a farm; I just started working on one at an early age because that's what everyone in our community did.
When I started at the tender age of 7, the farmers and farmhands weren't very good at teaching me what to do. They just said "go do such-and-such" with the implicit assumption that I knew what to do even though I'd never done it before. I'd start in, and sometimes I'd get it right, and sometimes I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and they'd go up one side of me and down the other because I didn't instinctively know how to do something I'd never done before. This happens a lot in menial jobs; no training and not a comfortable environment for asking questions.
So this poor burrito maker probably thought they were doing a good job, and fuckfaces like this screed writer act like they've been royally screwed over a five fucking dollar burrito. Get a life and get over yourself.
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