Sunday, February 26, 2017

If someone says "Tell me a joke", what is the first joke you tell them?

Reddit top voted comments...

A sailor sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
He looks to his left and there's a pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, and eye patch.
The sailor asks how the leg was lost. "A gator ripped off me leg while burying gold in Florida." He asks next how he lost his hand. "A shark bit ma hand off while I was throwing the gator into the sea."
Amazed at the pirate's bravery, he asked how the man lost his eye. "A seagull shit in me eye." The sailor was shocked and asked, "a bird shit in your eye and you lost it??"
The pirate said, "it was my first day with the hook."

****

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "make me one with everything."

^(If this doesn't work on its own, there is an extension:)

The vendor gives him a hot dog and the Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill. After a moment of waiting, the Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?" The vendor smiles and says, "Ahh, change must come from within."

****

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. Bartender asks, "what can I get you guys"? First mathematician says "I'd like a pint of beer please." The second one says "I just want a half pint." The third one says "a quarter pint". The bartender listens for a while and then stops them. He pours out two pints and says "you know, you guys really ought to know your limits."

22 comments:

edutcher said...

Take my wife...

Please.

AprilApple said...

haha. Those are good.
I have a hard time remembering good jokes. I only remember the bads.


An English man, a Frenchman and an Irishman are at a bar. They all order a beer.
Englishman notices a fly in his beer, and complains to the bar tender.
Frenchman notices a fly in his beer, does the same. Bar tender gives them each a fresh beer.
The Irishman notices a fly in his beer. Irishman gingerly removes the fly by lifting it out gently by its little wings and softly sets the fly down on the bar top. He then yells at the fly.... "Spit it out ya bastard."

Sixty Grit said...

Greek takes his pants to the tailor.

Tailor says "Euripides?"

Greek says "Yeah, Eumenides?"

Senile Henny Youngman "Take my wife, for example."

Drummer walks past a bar. Well, it _could_ happen.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a banjo? You can tune a chainsaw.

Sentence never uttered in English "Say, is that the banjo player's Porsche?"

Difference between a Harley and a vacuum cleaner? The location of the dirt bag.

Barium.

Appendix transplant.

She wasn't sure the baby was hers.

34

Some people just can't tell a joke.

AJ Lynch said...

I used to bartend a long time ago. Here is one I used to tell to my best customers:

What is the difference between a proctologist and a bartender?................A proctologist only has to look at one asshole at a time.

Lem said...

I'm going to be working the rest of the night. Please feel free to post something. Thanks

ndspinelli said...

The Pope dies and is met by Saint Peter. They stroll through heaven and St. Peter walks toward a huge mansion, the Pope certain that will be his residence for eternity. But, Saint Peter keeps walking and escorts the Pope to a modest row house in the middle of other row houses and double wide trailers. St. Peter tells the Pope, "This is your house, your Eminence." The Pope, miffed and befuddled asks, "What about that mansion. I led the Church for 25 years and dedicated my life to God." St. Peter tells the Pope, "There's an attorney in the mansion, sir." Now the Pope is angry and demands to know how this could be. St. Peter sighs and says, "Your holiness, we have many Popes here in heaven, but we only have the one attorney."

Trooper York said...

President Clinton went a world tour after Hillary's loss to get away from her and to not get hit in the head with an ashtray. He was out raising funds for the Clinton foundation. Or just for himself which was basically the same thing.

When he got to Japan he had an appointment with the head of Toyota as he wanted to sell himself as a lobbyist. The naturally set him up with a beautiful young intern as his guide. Just as naturally he grabbed her and took her into bed. He made love to her several times most vigorously considering his fragility. Every time he penetrated her she shouted the same words of appreciation at the top of her lungs.

The next day he was out on the golf course with the Chairmen of the Board of Toyota who hit a tremendous shot off the tee. In fact he shot a hole in one. President Clinton wanted to show his appreciation and so he shouted that phrase at the top of his lungs. "Chiagu anaboko...Chiagu anaboko!"

The Japanese executive turned to him and said "What do you mean wrong hole?"

bagoh20 said...

Those are all great. There must be some psychological explanation for what April describes, and which I also have where I can't remember jokes. I mean, not a single one, despite hearing and reading hundreds in my life. Sometimes I make a real effort to remember one, and I do for a few days, and then it's gone, just like all the rest. It's a real bummer. I wonder if I can get permanent disability payments for that.

Trooper York said...

A duck and a skunk were about the cross this really busy road. They kept hesitating because th cars were whizzing by and they were afraid they would get hit. The duck couldn't fly because he hurt his wing and had to waddle like Jerome Nadler. The skunk was just fat. So they stood there daring each other to go first.

So the duck gathers his courage and starts across the road. A giant tractor trailer wizzes by and almost hits him. He staggers back holding his wing to his head."Holy shit I think I have a concussion. Where am I? Who am I?" wailed the duck.

"Look pal you walk like a duck you talk like a duck you quack like a duck. You're a duck." said the shunk. "Now's it's my turn." He got up his gumption and started to scurry across the road.

Of course the same thing happens. A pick up just skims him and he staggers back to his friend. "Oooooh my lord. I hit my head. Where am I? Who am I?"

The duck turns to him and says "That's easy. You're half white and half black and you stink.
You're a Dominican."

XRay said...

I've heard thousands over the years. Don't remember a one.

Pretty shitty that 9:16.

Trooper York said...

You think that one is shitty?

I didn't even tell you the one about the big fat black lady taking a dump before she got on the bus.

Trooper York said...

I can't tell jokes anymore because I get n so much trouble.

So I just tell punchlines and laugh to myself.

Trooper York said...

Ten if you spread them real thin.

Trooper York said...

When the shift changes at the car wash.

Trooper York said...

Velcro on the ceilng.

Trooper York said...

So I put my bowling ball in the sink.

Trooper York said...

Two in the front seat and two in the back seat and forty in the ash tray.

Trooper York said...

20 million mosquitos won't get AIDS.

Trooper York said...

You can still put chains on your snow tires.

AllenS said...

I'll let my friend Eli the Accountant tell you a good funny story.

Amartel said...

Very funny, nd. Sadly accurate, in fact.
I have the same issue about not remembering jokes.

Sixty Grit said...

If you had to, you could eat a bowling ball.

Then his business dropped off.

Bennett hell, broke it clean off.

There better be numbers on that thing.

Fifty bucks, same as in town.