Monday, March 7, 2016

National Cereal Day : Kaboom essay

Ace of Spades:  I don't want to admit this, really, but -- and what you're about to read is pretty much actually true -- since I was a child, I've had a strong revulsion to Kaboom cereal, due to what may be called a early-childhood type of social dysmorphia.

And, ultimately, self-hatred.

You say you've never heard of Kaboom? You think I'm making Kaboom up?

Well let me explain this. You've heard of Apple Jacks, right? Sure you have. Everyone has.

I wanted to be an Apple Jacks kid.

Apple Jacks kids had so much fun in the commercials. Fresh-faced, healthy, and free, and hopeful for the future. Singing and dancing and just loving on their Apple Jacks.

And the cereal was awesome too. I had it once in a Snack-Pack that fell off a truck.

But there were no commercials for Kaboom.

It was just a dirty little secret, like massage parlors and the back room at a pawnbroker's.

That's why you never heard of it.

But Kaboom kids know. Kaboom kids understand.


8 comments:

Chip Ahoy said...

This is the funniest thing I've ever read by a conservative blogger.

ampersand said...

Kaboom Cereal. Halal approved.

deborah said...

I remember Kaboom. There were really no commercials? This post is hilarious, but my all-time 'funniest' is this:


http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2008/10/as-a-conservative-i-must-say-i-do-quite-like-the-cut-of-this-obama-fellows-jib.html

Amartel said...

That essay's from a while ago.
When I was growing up we had the generic cheerios in the giant bag. Did not know Kaboom existed.

William said...

I have to say that this is the most inspired, literate put down of a breakfast cereal that I have ever read. What distinguishes the Trojan War from all other Bronze Age wars is that it inspired Homer. Just so with Kaboom. This put down will be Kaboom's enduring legacy. You don't see a Frosted Flakes or Count Chocula inspiring such literacy. I think it's the individual face of each little Kaboom. That's an intriguing expression. Is the little face crying out in mirth or grief. All the ambiguity one feels for life is written in that enigmatic morsel. This is a cereal that feeds the poet as Ace has shown in his fine rant.

Amartel said...

You would have to have stared in despair at that box for years in order to develop the remarkable semiotics of Kaboom as outlined in excruciating hilarious detail.

Amartel said...

That stupid clown, the insulting animal characters, the horrifying colors, the faces of death on the cereal itself, the choking hazard prize inside. A 9 year old could only conclude, in a whisper, "they hate me. they really, really hate me."

edutcher said...

All I will say is that Ace and his guys are yuge Cruz fans and you can make of that anything you will.